Dear Leslie,

I’m out!

Those goons in white coats handed me a bus ticket and sent me back home. They were complaining about budget cuts and losing their jobs, but who cares?

Doesn’t life have a funny way of making everything work out?

When I got off that bus, the first thing I did was come over and try to surprise you. But this woman answered the door that I didn’t know. She told me your family moved away a few years ago. I couldn’t believe it!

I told her I was a friend and we hadn’t been in touch for a while. She told me to “Facebook” you and said it was the easiest way to find you. I thanked her and headed for the library.

Some kid there helped me find you on this Facebook thing. He typed in your name, and you popped right up on the screen.

But you weren’t you anymore. You had a different last name. There were pictures of some douche canoe with his arm around you, and some brat plastered all over.

I have to say, I’m disappointed that you never told me someone asshole knocked you up, and you spawned his crotch fruit. But to be fair, that little shit inherited all the best parts of you. Your beautiful, crystal blue eyes. That vibrant blond hair. And, of course, that cute little nose of yours!

This husband of yours is pretty damned ugly, though. Not the type of guy you would have dated years ago like me – an Alpha male, full of piss and vinegar, and huge swinging cock. You loved me back then. You promised you love me forever. Then you went ahead and broke up with me. When I tried to get you back, you got me locked up for stalking or terrorizing or some insane shit like that.

But I forgive you. That’s true love and true love never quits.

So after digging around on this internet thing, I found your address. You moved pretty far away, but there’s nothing but time and distance separating us now. Time, I had plenty of. Distance, Hell, I have two feet to carry me onward back to you, my love.

Now, this is the part of the letter you might find difficult to read.

Here’s the thing.

I’m not sharing you with anyone else. Not that dorky son of a bitch you call a husband or that cute little bastard kid of yours. The hubby is gonna have to go one way or another. And as much as it pains me, that kid needs to be gone.

I ain’t raising another man’s spawn.

Now that I’m out, we’re starting over. You’ve had your fun. I accept that you might not have expected to ever see me again. But now, it’s time for you to come back to who you belong to.

I’ll be coming home to you soon.

You promised me we’d be together forever, and I never break my promises.