My impulsive nature has got me into a lot of trouble over the years, and buying this house was just the latest in a string of MAJOR fuckups.

This all started when an awesome place came on the market. On a complete whim, I decided to attend a viewing. The lawyer did mention an overbearing HOA, but, like I said, my impulsive nature got the best of me…

The neighbors to my left—Stu and Rachel Baker—moved in a single day before me, and they didn’t care about the silly bylaws either. They got a great deal because the previous owner died under mysterious circumstances, and while stripping the wallpaper in their front lounge, they discovered the last guy had scribbled all over the walls.

“Some stupid shit about a blue-toothed man,” Stu said.

The HOA president quickly swooped in with a gift basket and a warning, which pissed Stu off. He said the president babbled about this ‘blue-toothed man’, about how if the Baker’s didn’t keep their front door a specific shade of blue (ultramarine, for anybody curious) they’d die.

“Shoulda heard the way he talked,” Stu said. “Was like some bloody Mary shit.”

And so, largely out of spite, Stu painted his door green.

Wasn’t long before the phone calls started. The minute the Baker’s heads hit the pillows, their phones rang simultaneously, then a voice whispered: CAN YOU SEE ME SMILE?

They took it in good humor, thinking it was a prank on the newcomers, but when Stu woke up and discovered somebody had painted the phrase across his front door in big blue letters, steam practically shot out of his ears.

He marched up to the HOA president and damn near leg dropped the guy. It took half the neighborhood to pry them apart.

Things came to a head last night when an ambulance pulled up outside. Stu and Rachel were both dead. The paramedics covered their faces before wheeling the corpses away, but I just found out the flesh covering the bottom halves of their skulls had been peeled like an orange, leaving their jawbones completely exposed.

This morning, the HOA president came by to explain the situation. Essentially the blue-toothed man is like a virus. Anybody who knows of him, of his ‘catchphrase’, becomes infected and has to immediately paint their front door blue, otherwise he’ll come after them. That’s why the HOA strongly discouraged discussing any murders which took place in the neighborhood—to prevent his ‘legend’ from spreading.

Since Stu told this to me, he passed on the disease. That means that no matter where I live, I’ll have to keep my front door the same color for the rest of my life. I’m so shaken up I can’t think straight and need to vent, I literally just found all this out.

So, yeah, if you see a HOA with any odd rules, don’t be a dummy (like me) and make impulsive decisions. Be sure to think things through!