There once was a boy named Ipa. This was no ordinary boy. This boy had wings. That’s right, full-fledged goddamn wings. We’re talking majestic bullshit. big ole motherfucking wings. This isn’t some universe where people walk around with wings, so you can imagine how inconvenient and/or embarrassing this was for him. He did not fit anywhere. You try walking around in a world made for people without wings when you do, in fact, have wings. It’s not fun. Public Transit? Forget about it. Antique Shops? Not a shot. Disney World? GOOD FUCKING LUCK getting on Space Mountain with 20-foot fucking wings.

He just walked around knocking shit over and bumping into everyone. He was hated by everyone. To be honest, can you really blame them? How would you feel if you were in a crowd at let’s say…… a phish concert, and some asshole with angel-like wings just slaps you in the face with his FUCKING WINGS? You’re probably already pissed off you’re at a phish concert and now you have a mouth full of human feathers! Human feathers!! Talk about a violation of your personal space.

Anyway, Ipa was understandably a very unhappy man. Well, one day along came Polly. Just kidding, that’s that movie with Ben Affleck, right? This broad’s name was Frank. Yea, you read that right. Her name was fucking Frank. I swear to God I’m not making this shit up. This bitch came out of the womb with a vagene, and her asshole parents named her fucking Frank!! What an absolute joke! Wasn’t short for Francesca or some other cheeky bullshit like that. Just a girl named frank. What a mess. Well turns out, Frank had a big bird fetish. I don’t mean that she’s really into birds, I mean that she is really into BIG birds. Her parents couldn’t let her watch sesame street. It was unnatural. There she is as a fucking child getting aroused at public broadcast television. What are you supposed to do in that situation as a parent? They had to call the cable provider and have them block PBS. You know how confusing that must have been to be that poor asshole receiving that call?

Well, Ipa was at the library one evening, knocking shit over, per usual, (It’s honestly a surprise he’s still allowed in there) When out of the corner of his eye, he sees Frank. He thinks to himself, “Oh, that’s a pretty girl, I bet she has a really pretty name.” He sat there for a while just admiring her read some book about plants or some bullshit. The book isn’t relevant, Frank wasn’t that interesting outside of wanting to fuck gigantic birds. When she did notice though, holy fucking shit. She started salivating like a wild dog. All those years of therapy went out the window. This was the moment she had been made for.

I’ll let you use your imagination on what happened next.

Actually, no I’m not.

They made sloppy interspecies coitus on that library floor. If you’re ever in the Middlebury Library off 5th avenue, know that a man with wings and a bitch named Frank made sweet, sweet love where you breath.

What was the point of this story? I’m not sure. But at least you don’t have wings or the desire to fuck large birds.