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True story

I met this girl on okcupid a few years ago and we ended up talking for a while and eventually went out on a date. We danced and I really felt like there was a connection between us. I took her back to her place and she invited me inside.

After making out in her bed, I asked her if she had any hard nos or trauma or anything I should worry about, and she said yes. I never learned the details, but she had hundreds of self-harm scars on her arms that immediately turned me on. She also said that she had been raped and abused in multiple relationships, and I think even from family members, and so she had several triggers that I need to be aware of. If I tripped any of them, she would just sort of go into a disassociative panic attack. I asked her what I need to do if that happens, and she said “either hurt me so I come out of it, or just keep fucking me I don’t care.”

She didn’t exactly tell me what her triggers were right away though. So as I was kissing her and nibbling her neck, I went up to her ear because that’s something I like to do, and I just bit her ear a little bit. Her whole body became covered in goosebumps and she started whimpering and shaking beneath me. I had never been in a situation like this before, and I wasn’t really sure what to do, but it was so incredibly hot to just watch her mind collapse in on itself. It was like I could see that she was trapped inside her own body and she was suffering immensely, but at the same time, I could do anything I wanted to her and she would be powerless to stop me.

I bit down on her shoulder, softly at first, and then harder and harder until she let out a gasp and started kissing me and fucking me back. She slowly started whispering and mouthing that she loved me. I told her I loved her too, because I did. I was fully in love with this girl. Every cell in my body just wanted to hold her and protect her and keep her safe.

I don’t all the time cum during sex, it usually takes me a couple times with someone in order to get comfortable enough to do that. But when I stopped having sex with her after a while she like, became small and told me that if she can not make me cum she doesn’t feel like she has any value. I held her and told her it was okay and that she does have value, but she had simultaneously unlocked a new level of… I don’t even know what it is. Dirty talk? Fetish? Dom/sub behavior? It was like her existence was to service me, and her life depended on it. And I love that.

Afterwards I asked if she was okay, and told her how hot, but confusing and sort of scary that whole experience was for me. She told me that her rapist had bit her ear because he liked to hurt her. And that her old boyfriend who abused her had trained her to think that his pleasure was the most essential thing in their relationship. I asked her if it was okay if I bit her ear because I enjoy doing that just like, little love bites you know? And she said I could do anything I want to her. I was like, but what about your traumas and triggers? She said I can just hold her down and keep fucking her if she ever gets triggered again.

And oh my God let me tell you that was so fucking hot to hear. I ended up fucking her again the next day and I intentionally bit her ear to sent her into another episode, but this time I just let her have her little fit under me. I held her arms down and kept her legs spread while I fucked her. When I came inside her she came out of it and we just kept telling each other how much we love each other over and over.

She didn’t live in my state though, and so I only saw her for about a week at a time, once every 6 weeks or so for about 3 months. And the whole time I was constantly torn between trying to give her a safe environment where she feels cared for and loved, and wanting to just abuse the shit out of her in any way I could possibly think of, because she was like unlocking these extremely dark fantasies that I had had my whole life, but she was letting me toy with them in reality.

Like, one time she told me I could hit her in the face. So I said okay, just give me a safe word if I begin to approach your limit. So I held her down by the throat and started slapping her. Softly at first, then harder and harder. Then she told me to use my fist. So I started punching her in the face, trying to do it harder and harder but she never said a safe word. Eventually I was at that point where I knew I was gonna begin leaving bruises and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I stopped because I was scared of really hurting her, but she just didn’t have a limit. I’m sure she would have let me beaten her until she needed to go to the hospital. I broke up with her because I felt like if I was gonna stay with her, I would just end up really abusing her more, and not giving her the help she needed.

This was the first time I had dealt with someone like her, and since then I’ve met a few other girls who were similar but not as extreme, and I’ve talked to a lot of rape victims on Reddit, and I’m definitely in a place where I think I could handle that situation better now. But I really just want her back though. I would feel more comfortable talking about what she needs and wants and expressing what I need and want. But she’s one of my favorite girls to fantasize about still. That relationship was a crazy emotional roller coaster. She was so fucked up and I loved every second of it.

I tried looking her up on Facebook and Instagram and stuff, but all of her posts stopped a couple years ago. I sort of think she killed herself.

But ever since then I just want that again. I want to be in a consensually abusive relationship. I want to be with someone who lets me hurt them physically and psychologically and emotionally, and most importantly, enjoys it. Needs it. I need to be with someone who can figure out that I still have a high level of empathy, and I don’t want to hurt them, but like, I do if it’s for them…

But God dude, the way she just needed it. Like she begged me to break her body and split her mind, and she loved me for it. And I loved that so much. I miss her.

NSFW: yes

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