“Hey buddy, how’s it going?” I stop and extend my hand towards Richard. He’s the closest thing to a friend that I have.

“Hey Mark,” he says as he grips my hand in his and gives it a hearty shake. “I’m doing good. Didn’t kill anybody this week, so that’s a win.” A piece of food flies out from his mouth while he speaks and hits me on the cheek. “Sorry about that.”

I’m disgusted, but I brush it off. Richard wouldn’t hesitate to kill me, given the chance. “No problem. What are you eating?”

“It’s a brownie the new guy—,” he nods in the direction of him, “—brought in. They’re fucking delicious. He even brought in milk to go with it. I don’t know how many bodies he’s got on him, but he’s cool in my book.”

“Cool. I’m going to go get one before the meeting starts.” This was my 5th time attending Serial Killer’s Anonymous. I decided to stop my murderous ways 6 months ago and was having a hard time. It was when I felt myself starting to relapse that I found SKA online. I’ve been joining their bi-weekly meetings since.

I grab a brownie and a glass of milk and walk back to my seat, taking a bite while I scan the room. I nod to Charlie and Marty. They’re cool people. It’s a full house ton— “fuck, Richard, that’s delicious. How did he get them so moist and chocolatey? It’s like rinsing my mouth with chocolate syrup.”

“I know right. I’ll have to ask for his recipe after we’re done.”

Carmine signals that he’s ready to start the meeting. “Thank you all for joining us again. I would like to introduce our newest member, Raymond.” He motions for Raymond to stand up. “Please tell us a little about yourself.”

“Hi, my name is Raymond.”

“Hi Raymond.”

“I’ve killed over 300 people in the last 15 years.”

The room gasps. That’s the highest kill count here. We all clap and somebody shout’s out, “what’s your preferred method?”

“A little bit of cosmic and demonic magic.” Laughter erupts from the room until a hand punches through Marty’s stomach and breaks his neck. We all hop out of our seats as Raymond continues to speak. “I cast a spell on each brownie that y’all ate.” He’s interrupted by screams as a ray of light rips Charlie apart like pulled pork. “It’s hard to stand out these days and I needed to do something memorable.” Carmine screams bloody murder when a ram’s head begins to protrude from his ass. “I’m hoping after this I’ll get the recognition I deserve.”

Richard grabs onto me as his eyes and teeth turn to lava, melting his body. I knock off what remains of his arms and stumble over a pile of bones.

As Raymond leaves, he yells out, “don’t forget to leave a review.”

My stomach starts rumbling and I know it’s my time. I hope it’s quick and painless.