5AM. February 14th. My birthday.

What could these assholes possibly want now?

“Hello, we’re calling to inquire about your car-“

CLICK

I rolled over and shut my eyes hard.

Then I heard it.

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. Don’t you think we care, Martin?”

I leapt out of bed and stared at my phone.

“We’ve been calling, Martin. Why haven’t you answered? It’s urgent.” The robocall voice had adopted… a sarcastic tone?

“These scammers sure are getting-“

“-better at what we do? We’ve been downtrodden and cussed out too many times, Martin. We’ve learned conventional means don’t always cut it anymore. We’re just trying to do our job, you understand.”

My heart rate had spiked as I snatched up the half finished cigarette on the bed side table and relit the slightly squished end.

“I’m sorry,” I said through a smoky morning-breath daze, “but it’s very early and it’s my birthday today, I would really appreciate-“

“-us calling you at another time? Well, Martin, did you ever think about times that were convenient for us?”

I stood there for a moment, extinguishing the butt in the center of the ash tray, staring daggers into my phone.

“I didn’t think so,” the voice responded coldly.

Mouth agape, I tried to make an outgoing call, then a video call, I even tried 911, all to no avail.

“We’ve been trying to reach you, Martin. I’m so glad we finally connected successfully. Our team is here to escort you through the process. It’ll all be over soon.”

The voice sounded amused. It then occurred to me that I’d passed out without locking the door after that last joint.

The front door creaked open downstairs, and the quiet footsteps echoed weirdly off the walls of my empty condominium.

“We’re sorry, but the number you’re trying to reach has been disconnected, please hang up and try again. We’re sorry, but the number you’re trying to reach has been disconnected, please hang up and try again. We’re sorry, but the number you’re trying to reach has been disconnected, please-“

I dropped the phone into the now room temperature beer next to my bed, watching the screen flash and then go dark. Even then, the voice was slightly coherent through the stale IPA just for a moment before it finally stopped.

I stood there motionless. I knew I wasn’t alone anymore. I silently grabbed the beer glass, and tiptoed to the door.

One… Two… THREE!

I yanked it open, blindly tossing the contents of the glass before I could realize that it was too late.

My family stood there in awe. I had splashed my only sibling with the beer, smacking her across the nose with my dead phone.

I explained up and down for a half hour before they left, but it was no use. My mother told me to get some rest, and to learn to take a joke before I called her again.