Dear Dad, This is hard for me to write.

Do you remember what you told me?

How dying is the greatest journey of all?

To not run, stand firm and the fear will leave you?

Everytime I think of you the hurting comes back.

It will not leave me alone, it keeps haunting me.

My heart has been aching since you died, dad.

Like that creeping dread that comes when you go up stairs at night.

I can only wish you hear my words wherever you are.

The scratching of them is like splinters in my soul.

I wish I had one more day with you so you could hold me close again.

I wish I had the courage to do what you did for us.

I will never forget that, dad. And I love you all the more for it.

The house is cold without you. A tomb that ghosts won't leave.

I miss your warm smile and your laugh.

I hear the echoes. The memories of deeds that are regretted.

You told me before you left, that I had to fight on without you.

It's hard, Dad. So hard to fight what you can't see. Can't understand.

And I try. I try to listen, to learn, to fight, to survive.

And I want to. I've just forgotten how.

I saw your picture today, and remembered the time at that park with the rope swing.

They come to me sometimes. When I least expect it.

Like bubbles of fragile memories that if I think too hard, might break.

And I get that itching feeling creeping up my neck and my hairs stand on end.

Then I'll smile and cry. And cry again. And when the tears stop I'll try and save the last one to hold on to.

And then I want to flee. To run away and never come back.

Because without, I can't stand to exist. I know that's silly, but that's how I feel.

I try to fight it. But the feelings creep over me. Chill me to the bone. And I'm stuck.

Stuck. In a time where I can't see the rainbow. Can't see the way forward.

Then I'm dragged back screaming. Pleading to be let go.

Back to an empty home. An empty life.

Back to my room and the smell of death.

I want to say so many things, dad. So many things that I never said.

They stand before me. Like ghosts of the things once remembered.

And I can't get them out of my head.

They haunt me day and night. Torturing me with pain. Mocking me with their savage cruelty.

I love you dad, wherever you are and I hope you find peace.

I can't find peace. And I'm sorry, but I can't fight this anymore.

This is my last letter to you.

Tonight I'm taking my life to stop these things haunting me.