Nobody pays any goddamn attention to me…
I’m just that people push past in lines. The one nobody listens to when he talks. Sometimes when people keep cutting me off, I just move my mouth to see if they’ll notice that no sound comes out. But nobody ever notices. Ever.
You know, the worst one used to be my sister. My perfect big sister Cassandra. Oh, Cassandra got a new job. Cassandra had such a nice vacation. Let’s listen to Cassandra talk about her new boyfriend, let’s listen to her talk about her life’s problems.
Oh, Cassandra, Cassandra, Cassandra!
Every time the family got together, she’d just take over every conversation and then, it was as if I just stopped existing. Nobody cared. I just didn’t matter anymore…
Every Christmas, Easter, fucking Thanksgiving, Cassandra ruled it all… And I fucking hated her for it.
God, I used to wish that Cassandra would just fall into a fucking chasm in the earth and never be seen again! I wished I could just hit her with a hammer when she started speaking so I could shut her up! Maybe then, my own family would finally remember that I existed. Then… One snowy Christmas eve, I got my chance. I saw her leaving our parent’s house and going down to her car. I was already in my car ready to leave.
I watched as she got out her scraper and started brushing her car off… She was really just standing there in the middle of the street. She probably hadn’t even noticed I was even there…
It was a spur of the moment decision… I’d admittedly been dwelling on how she’d decided it was necessary to cut me off every time I opened my mouth throughout the night. But I hadn’t planned on doing anything about it. Not until that moment.
What happened next played out like a dream. I hit the gas. The car screeched forward. I saw Cassandra look up in the moment before I crushed her between my car and hers.
For a split second… She looked at me. She saw me. And that look on her face… Oh Mama.
I ironically don’t have the words.
They never caught me, you know.
Cassandra’s death was considered a hit and run. It’s still unsolved to this day. All the ones after her are unsolved too…
That look on her face when I squished her like a bug. That moment when I crushed her life away. It all lingers in my mind. And I want more. Need more.
So every now and then, when the circumstances are right and I find someone… Deserving. Rude people, people who humiliate me, people I just don’t like. I deal with them. Just like Cassandra. And in the moment before I hit them, they see me.
Oh my God, do they fucking see me and that… That is what I live for, these days.