So…full disclosure: My girlfriend died two years ago and I had her stuffed and mounted in my living room. Unconventional, I know, but it can work if it is tastefully done.

The problem is that my parrots have taken a liking to her. Of course they loved her when she was still alive, and if you have ever lived with parrots, you will know that nothing is save from their inquisitive claws and beaks. So I thought nothing of it when they pulled her hair, picked out her glass eyes and started to crawl inside her head. After all, they are doing much the same to my couch. Even when they started nesting inside her head, I did not mind. It is cozy in there and she has no use for that space anymore 🙂

But then they started moving her around.

At first it was only small changes. A few centimetres to the right, a different gesture of the hand, that sort of stuff. But after a while they seemed to have hollowed her out so much, that they could control her like a robot by crawling into her arms and legs and moving like muscles. I would come home to find her staring out of the kitchen window with her eyeless caves, or on my bed, with her legs spread and a parrot peeking out of an unmentionable cavity.

So far, so bad, right? But it has gotten worse. Last night I woke up and found her (them?) taking my hunting trophies off the wall and piling them up in the hall. A parrot sat on every shoulder and they were chanting something like Hail Satanas Abraxas! Gloria in excelsis Asmodeo!

I tried to stop her, but slipped in a puddle of ectoplasm and knocked myself out. When I woke up, I found myself chained to a kind of impromptu altar (that was clearly once my dining table). The body of my girlfriend hovered over me, a kitchen knife in her hand and a sadistically grinning parrot sitting on her head. From her body language I gather that she wants to initiate a ritual of sacrifice and/or sexual intercourse with me.

Fortunately, I was able to convince her that I deserved one last Reddit post before my death. This one. And so I am asking you guys: What should I do? Do I call the exorcist? Or the pest-control commission? The fire brigade? Or all of the above?

Thank you in advance for your advice.