Expectations and reality is constantly at war with one and another. The constant disappointments when your expectations doesn’t meet with your reality is always a heavy defeat. Like when everyone wanted to learn how kolops mind had worked and why he enjoyed killing people. We all tried to understand kolops mind by actually going and killing people and we all expected to come to a mind blowing understanding, as to why kolop enjoyed killing people. What reality gave us though when trying to understand kolops mind is blood shed, anguish and revenge. People became horrified at what they had done and they found no enjoyment in killing and when the police came to the murder scenes we told them “we are just trying to understand kolops mind” and we expected to be arrested but they understood fully and went away.

Then when people wanted to understand why koan enjoyed bursting his own body whenever he found himself in an awkward position, we all again expected to come to a full understanding and be in complete awe towards koan. So we all bursted our own body whenever we were in social situations we didn’t want to be in and the reality was much different to our expectations. The reality was that bursting your own body only caused a mess and other people were covered in your own blood and guts. It got all over the food and drinks and they were essentially eating you and drinking you. They were even breathing you in.

Then when everyone wanted to understand gorin and why he only allowed people on their death beds, to die peacefully with his permission after they had walked 50 miles with him, we expected to learn something profound by allowing people to die with our own permission. The reality was much different and one of much stress and annoyance when old dying people kept coming up to us and desperately pleading to us to let them die without having to walk 50 miles with us and without our permission. It was horrible to watch and experience walking 50 miles with people on the edge of death and the worst reality is that none of us came to an understanding as to why gorin did it.

People on their death beds were crying out to us and it was just full of suffering and misery. It would have been easier for them to die naturally without asking for permission or to walk 50 miles. Maybe gorin just enjoyed the misery and pain sadistically, that was maybe the reality and not some higher understanding.