An Easter story

OR

The Cautionary Tale of Osterhase

Legend tells that in the olden times, as the peasants turned their back on the old practices in favor of the church, the pagan gods grew jealous. Their hearts became twisted and black with envy, pining for the worship they had lost. From this spite, a creature was born: a twisted, vindictive hybrid of beast and man. Modern cryptozoologists would attempt to give this creature a Latin title, homo leporidae, but in the old days he had only one name: Osterhase.

Every year at Eastertide, Osterhase would crawl up from his hole in the deep dark unknown places and pay a visit upon the townsfolk. He would unleash the wrath of the old gods upon the villagers, pilfering food stores, destroying crops, mutilating livestock… any act of cruelty he could devise. On Holy Saturday, in the dead of night, he would lay his great blood-red eggs hidden in the bushes and weeds about the farms, and by the following night the eggs would hatch, unleashing Osterhase’s terrible spawn upon the villagers. These Osterkin would sneak into the houses and steal the babies of the sleeping townspeople.

So, the townsfolk took to bringing in their livestock at Easter. No chores would be done; the children would spend their days helping the adults hunt down the secret blood eggs of Osterhase. This became a game for the children, as their parents did not tell them of the eggs’ ghastly nature. That evening the grown-ups would boil the Osterkin eggs and there would be a great feast.

Soon the adults took to leaving offerings to Osterhase, baskets of sweets and other fineries, in an attempt to curb his atrocities. The malicious beast would always reject these gifts, and the disheartened parents would allow their children to eat the sweets instead. It was not long before the rumor spread amongst the schoolkids that it was Osterhase himself who left these treats.

In this way, Osterhase enacted his greatest vengeance of all: over the years, the children began to love him, to worship him, bringing favor back to the old gods.

So, this Sunday, remember: hide your animals, protect your food, watch over your children, for Osterhase is coming. Don’t leave a single egg unfound if you value your babes. You can leave an offering if you wish, but it will do little good. Osterhase cannot be appeased. He comes for your children.

Happy Easter.