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Chapter 17: The feelings we have

[Chapter 1](

“The real torture is that you wanna do more but are afraid of it.” Casey was the first to say it out loud. We’ve been laying like this for the last ten minutes, neither proceeding nor going back. Now Casey had created an opportunity for me to give both of us the confidence that we needed. “I know, I mean I want it too, but I think you know that already.” She nodded slightly. “That’s not the problem, it’s… what happens with us after that?” She sounded a little worried and I could totally relate to that. Loosing her was one of the only fears I had and being in a relationship with her would increase the risk of that.

The wondered alone was enough to develop a heavy feeling in my chest. I had to press Casey a little against me to compensate that. I felt her arms wrapping around my neck as she did the same, except much harder. She even was shaking a little. “I just don’t wanna loose you.” Her voice was shivering. It felt even harder to proceed after she said that but I knew that one if us had to do it. I continued the sentence for her. “…but you wanna be with me?” I knew the answer but her answering this question had the purpose to give her confidence, not me and it worked way better than expected.

She placed her hands next to my head and looked me directly into the eyes. She had this fire in her eyes again. “Fuck yes, I wanna be with you! I need you and I can’t get you out of my head. I even fucking dream of you!” She seemed a little shocked that she said all these things out loud. After a moment, where she calmed down, she continued: “I just don’t wanna make a mistake because I can’t coordinate my feelings because of the whole situation and I know that if I were to loose you I would most likely die… and that’s not exaggerated.”

Some tears had collected in her eyes. One started to run down her cheek. I followed the drop with my eyes until it suddenly fell down onto my face. The little ball with all the fear and potential pain that was caused by her love for me, splashed onto my cheek. She had also followed its journey and now looked at the wet spot on my face. I knew how she felt, because we shared this pain. It wasn’t even real, it was just a wondered but it still hurt.

I looked at my best friend. She seemed exhausted and somehow disoriented. She had to battle even more feelings than me and this all was just probably too much for her. The part of my cheek, where the tear had dropped seemed to catch her full attention. She just stared at it.

Seeing her like this hurt me. I knew what my duty was in this situation. She already had done enough and now I would finish this. I gently laid my hand on her cheek and she leaned her head into my hand. After a while she looked at me again. She seemed calmer than before. No more anxiety. She trusted me and the fear of loosing me was overpowered by that.

I slowly guided her face down to mine. She now laid fully on top of me. Even though she seemed calm I could feel her heart beating really fast in her chest, but this time it wasn’t because of fear. She was just excited and I doubted that my heart was pounding much slower. A strange of blonde hair fell into my face and she smilingly put it to the side with her finger. I followed the movement. She noticed that and put her fingertip on my cheek afterward. Her finger moved slowly down my cheek and to the corner of my mouth. She seemed to enjoy this too and it almost looked like she only did this only for herself. After a while she lifted her finger and guided it up to her lips. A smile appeared on her face as soon as her fingertip touched her lips and she took a glimpse down to mine.

We have waited long enough. Our mouths were maybe one inch aside and I continued to lower my hand. She followed this movement with her head until we were almost touching. We were too close to each other to look each other in the eyes. All I could see were two dark blue spots in my vision, which dissapeared when Casey closed her eyes. I did the same. We didn’t know, how much space was left between us but neither of us wanted to wait much more.

I slightly lifted my head and her upper lip shortly brushed over mine. I was a little overwhelmed at first but the wish to continue was stronger. I pushed my head up until I felt her lips on mine.

We weren’t even really kissing for the first two seconds. Our lips just slightly touched each other until I decided to form a kiss. It was probably not the best one but I knew Casey wouldn’t judge me. I felt different from kissing a cheek. It wasn’t only a warm feeling in my chest. I felt it in my whole body. I instinctively pressed her another kiss on the lips and this time she gave it back. My body shortly tensed up and I pressed her onto me with the hand that still laid on her waist. She put her hands around my neck as she did many times before and now pressed her lips tightly against mine. Her body also tensed up and it almost felt like we were one person. I couldn’t tell where the border between us was.

In this moment, it was only us two. No problems, no anxiety, just Casey, me and the feelings we had.

NSFW: yes

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