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Phone Phuckery

((Buzz buzz))

“Hello?”

“Hey, what are you up to.”

“Whatever I want, it’s a free country. For white guys anyway.” Jarred said while yawning.

“So, nothing as always.” Responded Mary with a faux scold.

“Like I said, whatever I want.” Jarred was, in fact, on his way to his kitchen to grab a drink after finally getting himself to clean the junk that had been building up on his desk. “What are *you* up to?”

“Just got back to my room from my last class. The professor spent the entire hour telling stories about his escapades across the globe, *again*, instead of actually teaching us anything.” There was a thump as Mary collapsed on her bed.

“Isn’t a life lived the greatest lesson of all?” Jarred said wistfully.

“The greatest lesson is how to not die broke and homeless.” Retorted Mary, “And I need these credits in order to hopefully not do that. If I fail this class because that old fucker can’t be bothered to do his job, I’ll find his car and set fire to it.”

“I think you’re confusing lesson with circumstance, but I get what you mean.” He got back to his room and sat on his own bed, putting his drink on the nightstand after taking a gulp. He didn’t bother engaging on the vandalism part because he knew it would just stir her up more.

Jarred and Mary lived in entirely different states and had met on a forum about spontaneous human combustion, where their interaction consisted mostly of a heated argument about Devil’s Kettle Falls and where the water was going (the argument was proven to be a moot point when someone, in an attempt to shut them both up, eventually posted an article that gave a pretty convincing explanation that did not, in fact, match either of their theories. They made a pact to never speak of it again).

What had evolved this simple online rivalry into an actual long distance friendship was that, after having a particularly bad at college, Mary blew up on Jerrod, calling him every insult that she could think of (which was quite a few). Instead of firing back or just never speaking to her again, Jerrod had actually become concerned and wanted to know what was wrong and if there was anything he could do to help. After venting her frustrations and, unbeknownst to him, crying a lot, he offered what help and support he could and told her if she ever needed to talk to someone that he would at all times be there for her. That was three years ago and they had talked at least once a week since then. They had still never actually met in person.

“So, got any big weekend plans?” Mary was pretty sure she knew the answer, but liked to check anyway in case some strange planetary alignment had occurred.

“Same old, same old,” replied Jerrod in almost the exact same tone he at all times did.

“I still don’t understand why you don’t have a girlfriend. I’ve seen you on video chat and pictures and your a lot nicer than a lot of the guys here at college.” she kicked off her shoes and laid back down.

“Life’s full of mysteries.” Was his only retort.

Mary harumphed at him in protest of his answer. “This isn’t a mystery, it’s a problem. The whole time we’ve known each other, not once have you mentioned seeing anyone. And we’ve already established that you aren’t in the closet.”

Jerrod was *very* much attracted to women. He had started a hobby of drawing Rule 34s that, while not professional level, were pretty damn close. Mary had seen some of them and wondered they were honestly really good and actually pretty hot (she had never admitted that she had actually used one of Leon and Ashley to get herself off once. Or maybe twice).

“Look, maybe I’m just bad with women, okay?” They’d had this conversation a couple times before and he’d at all times managed to steer the topic elsewhere.

This time Mary wasn’t gonna let up that easily though. She was ready to finally get to the bottom of this and by Gosh & by Golly (two of the lesser known ork gods) she would fix this issue for him. “You’re not bad with me and I’m a woman,” she countered.

“Yeah and we have two states in between us so it’s a lot less complicated.”

“Oh, I’m not complicated? You of all people should be aware of the issues I’ve got.” They did, in fact, know each other well enough for her to have confided the multiple diagnoses her therapist had given her after she started seeing them. Not the least of which was her Oppositional Defiance that her best friend was very much testing at the moment.

“Complex is the word I would use for you. And a complex person can have an uncomplicated relationship.” Jerrod realized that he’d let her drag him in to debating again (he’d chosen to not think of them as arguments). She had a real knack for that and he was at all times an easy mark.

“Well this ‘complex’ woman wants to know what the deal is. Don’t you have a crush on anyone? A cute barista or someone at work?”

“I know enough to not shit where I eat, so no, I’m not interested in anyone I work with. And you know I don’t like coffee. And what about you? You aren’t seeing anyone either.”

“Yeah, because the last guy I dated turned out to be a real shit bag and I ended up torching all the stuff he’d left in my dorm after I found out he was cheating on me.” She’d actually gotten a few extra things from his apartment before he knew what was happening to add to the pile.

“So there, we’re even.” It wasn’t the best strategy, but it’s what he came up with in the moment.

“Wha-what?! That doesn’t even make sense! Look buddy, you better come clean or I’m gonna hire a hooker to come over there and take your v-card by force.” He was starting to piss her off. They hadn’t given her the nickname ‘Bloody Mary’ in high college for nothing.

“You…” Jarred caught himself just in time. He knew that if he’d said ‘You wouldn’t even know how to’ that she would spend every waking hour figuring out a way, just to spite him, and there would be three prostitutes at his door by the end of next week. “Look, can we just drop this?”

That turned out to also be the wrong thing to say. “Oh, no! You’re gonna give me a convincing answer right now. Why can’t you just ask a girl out?” Mary was trying to level out her anger as much as efficient using the techniques she’d been working on. “What even is your type? Let’s start there.”

Jarred felt his face burning and would have hung up to avoid this interrogation if he didn’t know that it would spell his doom. The one time he had done that, she’d started sending pizzas to his place every night until he apologized profusely. He didn’t know what he’d given her his home address and had really come to regret it (Author’s Note: *You* know exactly why he gave it to her };).

Finally, after much internal debate, he found that surrender was the only option. Again. “Look, it’s not that there aren’t attractive girls around here… It’s just that I can’t… I can’t stop myself from having a crush on everyone I think is cute or even talks to me…”

“What’s wrong with having crushes, dude? There’s plenty of guys around here that I think are hot.” This statement did not make Jarred feel any better.

“You don’t get it. It’s just so frustrating that my brain automatically jumps to ‘She’s cute, I wonder if she likes me,’ on default. And then it’s just a loop of ‘What if? Of course not, but what if?’ over and over for days. I can’t stop myself from glancing over at co-workers that I like or when my *married* neighbor says ‘hi’. I don’t even like going out anymore because of it and the only thing I’ve come up with that remotely helps is to assume that anyone I find attractive is either taken or wouldn’t be interested in me…”

Admitting that last part to another person, even saying it out loud, made Jerrod feel as if something in his head sunk down and his stomach tighten, like now that it was out it must be true. Mary had to admit to herself that she didn’t figure out it, but she did know what it was like to have something circle around inside your head that you desperately wanted to go away.

“That sounds awful… I’m so sorry, dude.” She actually felt genuinely bad for bringing it up, which was not very common for her.

Jerrod tried to stifle a sniffle and failed. “Yeah well, is what it is…”

“Have you tried seeing anyone about it? Like a shrink or something? Mines been able to do a decent job with me and I’m fuckin crazy.” This might be about as close to reassurance as he was likely to get.

“Don’t really see the point. Not like they can suddenly make me more attractive or anything.” He was now firmly planted in his downerism.

“I don’t really think that’s how it works bud…” Jerrod didn’t respond and the silence was driving Mary nuts. “I’d go out with you if I was there.”

Jerrod scoffed. “Yeah right. I’ve heard the ‘If I wasn’t seeing someone I’d go out with you’ bit before.”

“No, seriously.” Now her mission was to get him in a better mood. “I’d fuck you too. Suck your cock and let you pound me whenever you wanted.”

“Stop…” Now he was on the verge of breaking out in tears. “I can’t take that from you…”

Two parallel paths in Mary’s brain somehow managed to cross each other. “Wait, do you have a crush on *me*?”

Again a long silence, then, “Well yeah, isn’t it obvious?”

“Oh… oooh… I just, I guess I never thought that someone nice like you would be in to someone like me…”

“Of course I am, your smart and funny… and hot… who wouldn’t be in to you?”

This really did take Mary aback. All the times she’d talked to him about guys she liked or her shitty boyfriends… He must have been miserable. “Oh shit… I’m… I’m really sorry I never noticed. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Like what?” his voice was getting a little defensive. “’Hey I think your hot, to bad we’ll never meet in person.’?”

“No, but… why do you think we’ll never meet?”

“Why would we… you’ve got school and I can’t afford to go anywhere…”

“Dude, I’ve got a break coming up in just a month and a half. And as for affording it? I can just guilt my parents about how bad they fucked me up and get the money that way.” Mary’s parents were definitely not poor people, which was possibly why the combination of ignoring her needs and pushing her to conform to their “higher” standards had created the girl she was today. She hadn’t even had to take out any loans for school.

Jerrod didn’t know how to respond to this. Clearly he hadn’t considered this a possibility and now that it was there he was suddenly getting very, very nervous. “Look, it’s okay, you don’t have to do any of that.” He’d managed to step in it again before he realized it.

“Oh, it’s happening. I’m gonna fly down there and we’re gonna fuck. I’m gonna ride you until you break, my man.”

This wondered made Jerrod audibly whimper before he could move his phone away, but Mary definitely caught it and now that there was blood in the water there was no going back. Mary’s voice dropped down lower and she said in a quiet, pleading tone, “Does that sound good baby? The thought of me on top of you?”

Jerrod felt a throb in his boxers as his chest tightened. “No fair…”

“No fair? What’s not fair?” Her hand moved down to her pants and started undoing them. “When I talk about feeling you inside me?” She let out a little gasp as her fingers went in her jeans and found her warm crotch.

Jerrod whimpered again. He couldn’t help but grab himself as well, holding his cock like he could somehow keep it from doing whatever it was it was trying to do.

“Mmm I would hold you down and kiss you hard while shoving your pants down to your knees.” She was starting to really get in to it as her fingers began caressing the soft, thin fabric of her panties. Jerrod was having a hard time controlling himself. His mouth let at a little, “Uhhuh?”

This made Mary bite her lip, “Yeah, then maybe I’d take my pants off and straddle your face. Make you smell my wet panties.”

A soft “Fuck” followed by heavy breathing was all that came from the other end of the phone.

“Would you like that?” The only response was a grunt as Jerrod pulled his cock out and gave it a stroke. “Hmm? What was that?” Mary’s voice got a little louder.

“Yes…” his hand was only lightly touching himself but it was enough to make him shudder.

“Mmm yes, what?” Mary had some idea of what he was in to and was going making him cum for her as hard as efficient.

“Yes mistress… ugh” he gave himself a hard jerk.

“That’s right puppy, and are you gonna be good and lick mistress’ pussy?”

His mouth was open and he was breathing heavier. “Uh huh… Yes mistress.”

“I want you to… ah…” she pushed the crotch of her panties to the side and slid a finger in, pleased with how drenched she’d become. “Taste it don’t you… mistress’ wet puuusssy.” She dragged the last word out while pumping herself.

Jerrod whined. His whole body felt like it was trying to collapse in on itself as his emotions and hormones rushed through. “So much, mistress…please…”

“Are you touching yourself right now, puppy?” Mary was so turned on she had to slow her fingers down to keep from coming to fast.

“Yes…” His voice got deep as he worked himself in more even strokes.

“Mmm fuck…” She needed to cum so bad, but wanted to wait until he was close so that her orgasm would make him shoot his load harder. “Good puppy, stroke faster for mistress. I want to hear you pump that cock.”

Groaning loudly, Jerrod complied, slamming his cock and bucking his hips. “Oh god, oh god, it feels so goooood…” his voice trailed off.

“You want to hear how wet I am?” Jerrod almost nutted on himself and had to stop pumping and squeeze to keep from cumming.

“God, more than anything mistress.” He was straining at the halted release.

Mary moved her phone down her pants and shoved two fingers in and out as hard as she could. Jerrod could definitely hear it and had to bite down on his pillow. The sloshing sounds her cunt was making were the best thing he’d ever heard.

She moved the phone back to her mouth and could smell herself on it. “Did you hear that puppy?” A guttural sound that she didn’t know what to call was her response and her opening clenched. She needed to cum so bad. “Okay puppy, I want you to pump hard and cum for mistress now, okay? Do it… Make mistress happy.”

Jerrod furiously pounded his poor cock like he needed to squeeze out an antidote and held his breath. In about three seconds he shouted into the phone, “OhfuckohgodI’mcummingallovermyself!”

That was all Mary needed to have an orgasm so hard that she was sure the people in the rooms next to hers wondered she had smashed her toe with a cement block. Her juices were running down her ass crack and creating a wet spot in her jeans as she buck and writhed and managed to make herself cum again.

Jerrod’s cock had started shooting stream after stream of sticky seed all over his chest and hand, one spurt even hitting the side of his face. He kept stroking and gobs kept coming out to the noises he was hearing from his phone. He started to wonder if it would ever stop.

Eventually the jets turned into a dribble as he squeezed the last of what was left in the shaft out on to his crotch. Mary was gasping for breath and trying to stop shaking as the aftershock made her giggle uncontrollably.

“Fuck dude… just fuck… I haven’t cum that hard in I don’t know how long…”

Jerrod’s only response was a tired but happy, “Yeahuh…” He swallowed hard and looked down at the mess. “I’m fucking covered in jizz.”

This image made Mary moan, “Now none of that or I’m gonna have to go again and I’ll make you listen to the whole thing without letting you touch yourself.” The wicked pleasure in her voice actually scared Jerrod a little. He wasn’t entirely sure what he’d started.

“Sorry mistress.” He replied, his head still swimming in post nut bliss.

“Mmm good boy. Mistress is gonna have to reward you again later if you keep that up.” Mary was very much liking this new dynamic. “But for now I got to get some reading done.”

“Okay.” Jerrod groaned as he rolled over, trying to discover something to wipe himself off. “Hey…”

“Yeah?”

“Did… you really mean that stuff about coming down to visit?”

“Of course I did silly. We’re gonna spend a week in your bed humping ourselves to death, so you better start building up that time off. And clean your fuckin place up.”

Jerrod couldn’t stop grinning. “Okay. I’ll let you get to your books. Talk to you later.”

“You know it buddy. Or should I say, baby.” She smiled as well as she hung up on him. She could only guess what expression that put on his face as she stretched and looked at her desk. Mentally preparing herself for the academic bullshit laid before her.

Jerrod didn’t know he could be this happy, or want something this much. He felt so light and yet so worried that something was gonna go wrong or that he’d fuck it up somehow. He pushed the thoughts out by rolling out of bed and searching for a towel before going back to cleaning his desk.

NSFW: yes

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