We didn’t have the most restful night. Every time one of us tried to roll over we were brought to a halt by the sap. At one point when we were both awake, having both tried to turn over, I hugged her close and rolled her over the top of me. Towards dawn we finally got some real sleep. That’s when I had the Dream.

I was standing naked in a thatched hut. My hands were glued to my butt, and my feet were somehow stuck to the floor. I started to see some shadowy figures on stools in front of me. I couldn’t quite see how many there were but there were at least three. I attempted to cover myself, but with my hands stuck, all I could do was spread my ass cheeks.

“Who are you? What is this?” I asked.

A voice came from somewhere else in the room “He doesn’t even know who we are! We should just kill him now.”

“Hold. We are here for a reason. Let us fulfill it first.” Came from one of the figures in front of me. A woman’s voice. “You there. What is your name?”

“My name is Paul”

“Paul of what tribe?”

“iTaukei” What the hell? Where had that come from? Oh well it’s just a dream.

“You don’t look like iTaukei. How do you claim them?”

“Several years ago, I was in Fiji, and I saved a man’s life. He was iTaukei. His family adopted me. He gave me his Hei Matau. I have worn it since.” I nodded toward my hook.

“Maui, he wears your hook, do you claim him?”

A deep voice came from the right. “He is not mine, but I have seen him around. He knows our ways. I think he is in love with the ocean. What say you NamakoKahai?”

“I have seen him on many parts of many oceans” said a voice from the left. “He is often in the ocean breathing on a machine. He has always seemed respectful and has not caused any damage that I know of. But he broke our law, and must be punished as an example.”

“But what of the girl?” came from somewhere in the room “Is she an innocent?”

“She knew of the law, but was not afraid of the punishment.”

Voices were coming from all around me. I tried to turn to them, but my feet were still stuck solid to the floor.

“Not afraid?”

“Of being with someone, like that, for life?”

“I might.” Came a meek little female voice from somewhere to my left

I was standing there naked with a full-blown woody in a room half full of women, and all I could do was spread my butt cheeks? I was still trying to cover myself, but my hands may as well have been superglued.

“You would want to have a male stuck inside you forever?”

“It could be fun” came the meek voice again

“Fun? Hmmph Maybe for a day or so but forever?”

“They are mortal. It wouldn’t be forever.”

“No but it would seem like it to them”

“We should give her to Pele”

“She’s not Ohana. It’s not really a sacrifice if she’s not family”

“Enough” came the voice from right in front of me again

“Are we agreed that the punishment should continue as is?”

“I agree.”

“Yes”

“Agreed”

“It is fitting.”

“Then let the sentence stand” said the first voice.

And everything faded to black.

When I woke up the EMTs were there. Apparently, I wasn’t just asleep, I was out cold. When Cindy had tried to wake me and couldn’t she had called them. Of course, the first thing they did was take vitals. I think if I had a knife sticking out of my chest, they would take my blood pressure. Then they examined our connection. One was a cute Hawaiian girl. It was totally weird to have her holding my dick while it was in my fiancé! Next thing she was fondling my balls while looking me right in the eyes. She winked at me and continued her exam. While taking my heart rate she was examining my hook.

“Nice Hei Matau.” She said. “doesn’t look like the average tourist one”

“It’s not. It was given to me by a Māori in Fiji. He made me Ohana and gave me this.” I replied.

“Maybe that explains it then. Huh.” She then stopped fondling my balls and finished with me.

Her partner said “I don’t see any reason not to transport them”

“Me either, she” replied. “But this might get interesting”

“What was that?” he asked

“Nothing”

“Ok I’ll get the gurney”

The gurney was parked right outside our condo. He proceeded to wheel it in.

“Obviously, we’ll have to transport you together. The gurneys aren’t very wide. Probably be best to have you lying on your sides. Once you’re on we’ll put up the rails and that should keep you from falling off.”

Okey dokey captain obvious. First there was the clown act of trying to get on the gurney. They had to lower it and we climbed on kneeling, then lowered ourselves all the way and rolled onto our side. Then they tried coving us. The ubiquitous EMT blanket. Must have been made of silk or something. It kept falling out of their hands. At one point they held the four corners out before approaching us, with the blanket up high. Just as they got above us there was a gust of wind or something and they lost their grip, and down it went to the floor.

“It’s ok” I said. “The hospital staff is going to see us naked anyway”

The cute Hawaiian girl was watching everything and seemed to be taking mental notes.

They got us into the ambulance, and we drove to Lihui.

At the hospital we had several other people try to cover us. They finally settled on a human cordon. We had about a dozen scrubs surrounding us as we moved through the hospital. It seemed like they outnumbered the people who might have seen us, but, whatever. They wheeled us into some kind of OR, where a doctor and a whole team of other people in scrubs stared at us.

“Ok, Dr. Hanson, set up traction, Dr Phillips get anesthesia ready. You four orderlies, help Dr Hanson. Nurse Jeffries set up dual monitoring. And somebody get me some more light”

I shouted “Hey, Hey, What the hell’s going on? You look like you’re getting ready to operate on someone. And I think we’re the someone!”

“Just a simple procedure, I assure you. We just need to take a sample of the substance. Nothing to it.”

They proceeded to strap Cindy to a table face down, and stand me up behind her. Some sort of harness under my arms and around my chest. Then something big and heavy was rolled in behind me and locked down to the floor. Another harness came from that and was belted around my waist and thighs. Ahh. They were gonna try to pull us aside. Was this stuff adapted from other hospital equipment, or did they often have to try to pull a couple aside? I asked what was going on.

“We’re just going to pull you far enough apart to get a sample, we’re going to put you under for the procedure as a precaution, so there aren’t any sudden movements.”

They clipped the little thing to our finger and put the cuff on our arms and an IV in our other arm. The we heard the first doctor say “Begin” and someone else say “I want you to start counting down from 10.” We both got to 9.

I woke up standing. Hanging from the harness. I was still attached to Cindy but was stretched out even further than we could manage on our own. It was like an iridescent white tube running between us. It looked too long to be my dick. When I looked closer, I could see the line where her lips ended, just above where my balls hung tightly beneath. Wow. That had to be eight inches at least. I started noticing other things around me. There was some commotion. And a lot of shouting and cursing. No one seemed to care that there was a couple stretched between two pieces of equipment in the room. The doctor was on the floor and several people were attending to him. Finally, another voice entered the room from behind me. And started restoring order. The traction was run back down. The straps were released. The harness was removed, and we were loaded onto a hospital bed. Then wheeled out of the room. The doctor was still on the floor. We were taken to a private room on another floor. The elevator was for staff only, but it seemed that an unusual number of people had to use it at that particular time. And they all happened to be looking intently at their cell phones. About an hour after we were dropped off, we got a visitor. It was the pretty Hawaiian EMT.

“Hi, I’m Kailani, we met before.”

“I remember. You were holding my dick.”

“She was holding your dick? And where was I?” Cindy asked with a little acid in her voice.

“You were on the other end of it, sweety. She was one of the EMTs at the condo.”

“Oh, and I suppose that makes it ok?”

Kailani jumped in with “I’m sorry if I offended. But I had to be sure. You are Haole. By rights you should be dead. But you are not. Look can I introduce you to my grandfather? He’s waiting in the hall and would be much better at explaining this.”

“Sure” I said. “Let’s have a party!” “Oh, go ahead. It’s not like everyone in the hospital hasn’t already seen us.”

She then brought in an older man. He looked like he could be 60 or 80. Leather skin. All handmade clothes and sandals. It was like he just walked out of a painting of the old Hawaii. “This is my grandfather Keanu”

“As in Keanu Reeves?” Cindy asked.

“As in a cool breeze” I said before he could be offended

“So, you do know something of our ways.” Keanu said.

“Always learning.” I responded. “What did Kailani mean when she said we should be dead”

He glanced and Kailani and said “You still have much to learn about tact little one. What she meant was that the Breadfruit Tree Curse is different between Native Polynesians and White People.”

“How so?” I asked, “So it really was the Breadfuit tree?”

“It was most definitely the Breadfruit tree. Most Polynesians steer clear. Either because they believe in the gods, or because they are superstitious, or just out of an abundance of caution. These days it is mostly Haoles who desecrate the tree. Either people who throw it back in our faces, or people who have never heard and have no interest in learning. For them, they literally become Haole. No Breath. The tree produces some kind of Toxin, and the couple is found later either dead or dying from an allergic reaction that could have come from anywhere… Yet here you are alive and stuck together. We have not had a Ku’u ipo hui in many years. Generations actually. And to have two Haole? We are at a loss.”

“Ahh. My dream!” I said

“You had a dream?” said all three at the same time.

“Uhh, yeah. It was last night, when we fell asleep on the bed.”

I then related the particulars as far as I could remember them. Being stuck to the floor, the voices around me, my hands stuck to my butt.

“Oh. Oh my” Keanu said. “Your hands stuck to your butt?”

“Yeah! It was like they were superglued there.”

“Hmm. I must test this for certainty” He then tried to cover us up. He even got Kailani to help with no more success than before.

“Many years ago, my father told me of our last Ku’u ipo hui. He said they had a vision similar to yours, though a bit less antagonistic. But he said the kane had his feet stuck to the floor and his hands stuck to his butt. I never told anyone else. I’m sure it’s not in the literature. It seemed like I had misremembered the details.

You are the Ku’u ipo hiu. The coupled couple.”

“What does that mean?” Asked Cindy “You can get us out of it?”

“Oh no.” he replied. “When a god glues you together, you stay glued together”

“Oh” we both replied. Then we hugged. Then we cried together. While we were hugging and crying Keanu left the room. We barely noticed.

Kailani brought us back to reality “You guys caused quite the stir today. Not only are you the legendary Stuck Couple of the internet. Which I’m sure is trending all over the world by now. You’re probably on every tabloid as well. But then you spook an entire ER full of the most professional doctors and nurses on the island.”

“What do you mean we spooked them?”

“You don’t know what happened? After they gave you Propofol they approached you with a scalpel to try to take a sample. Your foot kicked out and knocked the scalpel across the room right through the group of doctors and nurses without hitting any of them and imbedded itself in the cement wall hard enough that they couldn’t pull it out. After that Dr Veltom had some choice words for Dr Phillips about patients being unconscious. They double checked that you were both out, and tried again. This time as he was passing Cindy here. She reached out without opening her eyes and grabbed his balls. And squeezed. Hard. Hard enough for him to pass out. After that no one wanted to get near you. So, I had you brought here.

“Wow” Cindy said

“Wow is right” I said “He was still on the floor when I came to.”

“So have you two given any wondered to your future?”

“What do you mean” I asked foolishly

“She means where do we go from here, lover”

Kailani said “You two have much to discuss. I’ll be right outside making sure no paparazzi show up” and with that she left us alone.

Half an hour later we realized we were really in trouble. An Hour later we knew we were doomed. Totally Fucked. Toast. The End. We had nowhere to go. No job we could do. No future. Maybe living off the state and being a scientific curiosity? Constantly hounded by religious fanatics. People trying to prove we were a hoax. People trying to prove that we had offended their god. Nothing sounded like it was even doable let alone enjoyable.

After an hour Kailani knocked and came in.

“I have news from Grandpa Keanu. He has an offer for you. He can have you accepted into our tribe. Polynesians do that at all times. Travel to another island and get accepted into a new tribe. If you do that, he can get you accepted to Niiahou. There you can live your life mostly quietly. The tribe will support you. If you can discover a way to be productive that’s a bonus”

“Why would they do that?” I asked. “There’s no such thing as a free lunch”

“Because you two are living proof that our gods are real and still alive! You might get the occasional visitor from far away that needs to see with his own eyes, but as you know Niiahou is called the forbidden isle for a reason. We control who goes there and it’s a very small list.”

Cindy looked over her shoulder at me then asked “Dirt floor, no running water, outdoor facilities will be fun with our condition, but it actually sounds good. I’d rather that than a lab somewhere, with video cameras”

Kailani said “We mostly live in a Hawaiian style, living off the land, speaking Hawaiian, but we discovered plumbing some time ago. We even have this thing called electricity! It’s not as primitive as you might think.”

“So Hawaiian vacation 24/7/365? And constant sex? And all the time naked? I’m in!”

Cindy smiled and said. “Mister you are most definitely IN!”