*Author note: This is a continuation of Streamer Love, so I suggest reading that first if you haven’t. This is fiction, none of the events portrayed have any basis in reality.
Chapter One: Sorrow
As the sun gazed through the blinds, disrupting my gloomy slumber, my phone buzzed next to me. Pathetically, I jerked awake and snatched it as quickly as I could, only to see it was just a notification saying Esfand went live. I threw it apart, feeling stupid for having gotten my hopes up. Why was I still expecting her to reach out when I was the one locking myself up in my room and failing to show her how much I wanted to be with her?
Bonnie had done her part and more to try to make our fledgling relationship work. As all the time, the fault was my own. I was afraid to express my feelings and desires for her as much as I wanted, and in my failure to do so, I had shut her out.
Though I tried not to focus on how my past relationships had gone, and instead live in the present, my brain constantly reminded me how much it would hurt when she figured out that I was not enough for her. It would be less painful if I distanced myself before she grew tired of me.
Bonnie had found the companionship I failed to give her from Esfand. I was glad that she had, truly. They seemed happy together and I cherished seeing her so. Yet jealousy still poisoned my heart and made me suffer painful tears when I saw them together. The reasonable part of my brain told me they were just friends, but it was overshadowed by my heart telling me there was something more between them.
I had failed her not only emotionally, but sexually. She was not the first woman I had ever been with, but the one I most cared what she would think of me after. Because of this, I was afraid to show her all that I wanted to do to her. The few nights we did spend together, I settled for simpler acts of lovemaking, not daring to show the full scope of my desire for her. I think she sensed my hesitation, because she too, did not push our relations any further.
We never reached the same intense passion we experienced our first time together. Thinking back on that day made me desire her again, and fondly remember how she had tasted and felt under my touch. With all my heart I wanted to feel like I had that night, but I could not.
My lust was swiftly replaced by feelings of inadequacy and loss.
‘No,’ I told myself. I was done feeling sorry for myself.
I had not truly lost her. She was right next door. Perhaps it was not too late to make things right again. Perhaps if I explained how I felt, she would figure out and not think I had stopped caring about her.
For a moment I contemplated if it was wise to seek her out and bare my soul to her. If I established, not only to her, but to myself, that I did care about her, the inevitable breakup would hurt even more. Ultimately, I decided it was too late to consider self-preservation. Though our time together was short I knew one thing in my heart– I loved her.
I got out of my bed, where I had spent most of my recent days. I had canceled my streams blaming sickness and spent most of my time in a never-ending cycle of self-hatred, pain, grief, and jealousy. It was time to stop feeling sorry for myself and take charge. Even if my admitting my many flaws to her was too much honesty for such a fresh relationship, and it resulted in a break-up, it was better than living in this state of torturous unknowing.
Though I wanted to catch her before she joined Esfand on his stream, as I suspected she intended, I still took plenty of time preparing myself. She deserved to see me at my best.
I settled on a black skirt and a grey crop top she had told me she liked. My hair, I tied into pigtails more for myself than anyone else; I liked how I looked in pigtails. Finally, I carefully applied my makeup before I left to see Bonnie.
The relentless sun scorched my skin the minute I left the house. Though it was painfully hot, I stopped for a moment to soak in the sunlight I had been avoiding. I felt a smile grace my lips as I closed my eyes and let the heat sear my body. ‘Today is a good day.’ I convinced myself. Then I took a deep breath and continued down the path.
Esfand’s house was quiet. The only sign of life I could hear or see was Bonnie’s cat Nymeria meowing at me and then coming up to brush herself against my leg. I reached down to pet her, and she purred at me in response. I was glad someone was happy to see me, even if it was just a cat.
“Emi?” Bonnie asked from across the kitchen. She seemed astonished to see me out of my room. I felt a moment of guilt for that. Nymeria darted away from me as if she had been caught doing something she was not supposed to do.
“Hey Bonnie,” I greeted her awkwardly. She did not come to hug me, and I did not have the courage to make it clear I longed for one.
“What are you doing here?” She inquired, her voice did not sound disappointed to see me, but nor was it pleased. It was a neutral, unfazed voice that made my heart sink upon hearing it.
“Can we talk? Please, it’s important,” I asked, trying to silence the doubts that were entering my mind.
“I said I would be on Esfand’s stream.”
Anger rose in me as she so casually dismissed me for him, but I tried to keep a friendly tone. “Please, Bonnie, just for a few minutes.”
She looked at me compassionately and relented, “Of course,” she said, and after sensing the private and sensitive nature of what I had to say, she added, “Let’s go to my room.”
I followed her up the stairs trying not to get lost in the sight of her gorgeous legs and bare feet right in front of me. I was not here for that. Instead, I tried to think of how I would say what I needed to say and cursed myself for not considering it earlier.
“Sorry about the mess, I’ve been reorganizing,” Bonnie said, as we entered her cluttery room. It made me feel better about my own tidiness. When I had not been miserably crying in bed, I had at least managed to clean my room and rearrange my Kirby pile. I told myself I did it for me, but in truth I wanted it to look nice if Bonnie ever came over.
“So…” Bonnie said as she turned around to me. Her eyes gazed at me, not with love or adoration as I hoped, but with uncertainty and a hint of awkwardness.
I did not know where to start, my mind raced with useless thoughts and trepidations. I tried to silence them and speak from my heart. “I am sorry,” I began. “I have not been there for you enough, and it’s not because I didn’t want to be. I just…”
Her sympathetic look made tears brim my eyes, but I forced myself to continue. “I don’t feel like I deserve you.”
“Emi…” she said pityingly and then embraced me awkwardly.
I wanted to say more to her, but her warm hug brought so much emotion out of me that I nearly choked on it. I cried into her shoulder as she gently cradled me.
“You are more than enough for me, Emi. You just need to get out of your head.” Her voice was pleasant, but not loving. She sounded more like someone consoling a child, than reassuring a lover.
As I continued hopelessly sobbing, she added, with a touch of impatience in her voice. “Why don’t you feel you deserve me?”
I knew I was baring my soul too much for a relationship as new as ours. I wanted to say how much I cared about her and how I struggled to show it, but I worried that would be too much. Instead, I moved the conversation to another area I was failing her in.
“You are the first girl I’ve been with in a long time. I don’t have as much experience as you do, but I …” I wanted to take back the words as soon as I said them.
She pulled away and stared incredulously at me, hurt and anger was on her face. “What’s that supposed to mean?” she spat.
“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that!”
She studied my face critically, as if she had never truly seen me before. “Yes…you did.”
I was at a loss for words, I scrambled for an explanation, but nothing came out.
Her shocked look of hurt turned to one of disgust. “Screw you, Emi,” she said coldly, as if I was dead to her, and stormed past my shoulder.
I called for her to stop. I had to explain myself, I had to tell her I did not see her that way, I had to tell her that I loved her. But she was already gone.
Chapter Two: Confusion
The following days were even darker. I was no longer in an insecure state of doubt, not knowing if we were truly together. If our short spark of a romance could even have been called a relationship, it was now certainly over.
I did not see Bonnie at all for a few days, even though I watched every minute of every stream from Esfand and kept an eye out on anyone else she might collab with. There was no sign of her at all.
I was worried my careless remark had hurt her more than I imagined it had. Though admittedly, a part of me hoped she grieved our brief relationship’s abrupt end. It would mean she truly had cared about me before I inevitably ruined it between us.
When I managed to somewhat go back to my old habits, nearly two weeks had passed since I saw her. I streamed and apologized for my absence, blaming a family emergency for my swift departure from my schedule.
I was still struggling to stay positive, but I was proud of myself for having streamed at all, and today a far greater challenge awaited me–socializing.
Talking to a chat of twenty thousand strangers was nothing compared to meeting people in real life, but I convinced myself it was something I had to do. Perhaps seeing friends would help me feel better than being on my own.
It was Simply’s birthday, and he had decided to throw a large party. I was lucky he lived in the same house as me, so I at least would not have to travel anywhere. Furthermore, if the party got too much for me, the comfort of my room would be close at hand.
I could already hear multiple guests arrive before I ventured out of the solitude of my room. Though it was a party, I did not have the will to dress for it. People were used to seeing me in my pajama pants, they would not think it odd for me to wear them to a party either. In spite of the hot weather, I elected to wear a sweater too. I did not feel as confident in myself as I had before, and though it would mostly be people I knew, I still did not feel comfortable in my usual attire.
I walked into the loud gathering of streamers, greeting people with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. A few strange faces were there too, who I wondered would likely be Simply’s non-streamer acquaintances, but otherwise, it was mainly OTK and friends.
Cyr and Tectone talked at one end of the room while Cinna was showing something to Wojito on her phone. Esfand and Wake were there too, and¬¬… Bonnie? I froze in place, staring at her. Somehow, I had not imagined she would ever come to the party, a notion that now sounded stupid. Of course she would, Simply was her friend too.
She stood with her back turned to me, talking to Esfand. She wore a fine, blue dress that was so high up her thighs I could almost glimpse the beginning of her ass. Her high heels accentuated the shape of her gorgeous legs wonderfully, and her hair was straightened from its usual curly state to long waves of brown elegance reaching far down her back.
I wanted to turn back and return to my room then. The social aspect of a party was already enough to make me anxious, the wondered of even locking eyes with Bonnie again was too much to handle.
I had written extensive apologies assuring her that I had not meant to say what I had said, but she had left my efforts at reparation unanswered. Though I never believed she would be mine again, I had at least hoped she would accept my apology and be civil with me.
At first, the fact that she had not responded made me angry with myself, thinking she was too upset by my careless remark to do so. However, seeing her casually talking to Esfand in a seemingly good mood, I began to feel resentment towards her.
She turned around as if sensing my staring at her. I froze in place and felt as if my heart leapt out of my chest. Her look was one of uninterest, and displeasure, as if I was merely a stranger she had glanced before she went back to her conversation. Unlike me, she had clearly expected to see me.
Miz came up to talk to me and I barely listened as he started ranting about something inconsequential. I mostly nodded my head and agreed with whatever he was saying. My thoughts and eyes were still on Bonnie.
She glanced over her shoulder and caught my eye, then her hand slowly traveled down the side of her body and pulled gently at her dress, further up her thighs.
I stared at her incredulously, not understanding what she was doing, or why. If she disliked me so much that she would not even take my apology, why was she now seemingly flirting with me?
I tried looking away from her, and back to Miz, but I think she could sense my struggle to do so. She kept giving me looks I failed to ignore. Then she laughed at something Esfand said, far too loud to be genuine, and placed her hand on his arm familiarly.
Whatever her game was, I decided I was not interested in letting her play it. I told Miz I was not feeling well and excused myself from the party before it had barely begun.
After I managed to make my escape, my mind raced with questions I could not answer. Was I going crazy or was Bonnie truly teasing me? Was she trying to make me jealous? Did she like me, or were her temptations only meant in spite, to make me sorry I had lost her? She did not seem like the sort of person to be spiteful or petty, even after being hurt.
I went to my bed with my thoughts and let them run their course. The only good conclusion I reached was that, though I had come to love the girl in our short time together, I did not truly know her.
Chapter Three: Revenge
I left the party feeling mostly disappointed. What had made me eager to go at all, was the wondered of seeing Emi. I had even dressed up specifically for her. I had planned to drive her wild with desire for me until she could not stop herself from acting on it. But I seemed to have misjudged her. She had looked at me longingly as I began my attempts at seduction, but before I knew it, she was gone again.
Sadness welled up in me, as I went into my room to shut the world out around me. Every time I wondered I understood Emi, she did something to prove my assumptions wrong. It was driving me crazy. I wondered she liked me, but then she shut me out, barely responding when I tried to talk to her. I wondered she was over me and wanted our short relationship to end, but then she apologized for her absence and unavailability and made it clear she wanted to stay together. I wondered she would not judge me for my past, but then she made it apparent she still saw me and would all the time see me as a whore.
I was too upset at that notion to accept her apology. Though a part of me still loved her, I carried a lot of resentment. When Simply invited me to his party I saw it as a great opportunity to tease Emi. Rather than try to prove to her that I was not a whore, I decided to act like one. I wanted her jealous, I wanted her to be sorry, I wanted her to get so angry and enamored with me that she would just take what she wanted.
I had failed in achieving my goal this night, but I tried not to let it deter me. It only meant I had to try harder next time.
Chapter Four: The Pool
After a few days had passed, I still had not figured out what Bonnie’s intentions had been. She had since gone back to her previous routine, appearing frequently on Esfand’s stream, seemingly even more flirtatious than before. She streamed more on her own channel as well, wearing more revealing outfits than I had ever seen her exhibit on stream.
I had all the time gotten the feeling she was ashamed of her past as a camgirl, being very careful about what she wore and how she acted. However, since we broke up, she seemed to embrace that side of herself again. Part of me wanted to think it was because she knew I would be watching, and for some reason, she wanted to make me miss what I had lost. But I also suspected she was just over me and putting on a show to catch the attention of someone else.
Whoever her attempts at seduction were targeted at, they worked on me. Though I was trying to ignore her and forget about her, I could not stop thinking about her. I found she occupied my every sexual fantasy and part of me hated myself for that. I knew the healthy thing for my mind would be to move on, but I could not stop dreaming about all the things I wanted to do to her.
The next time I saw her, there was no question who her seduction was targeted at.
It was yet another hot evening. I had not planned on streaming, but I wanted to be productive with other things, such as planning future content and events, ordering cosplays, and making a few phone calls I had put off.
My plans were immediately put to a halt when I looked out of the kitchen window and saw her. Bonnie stood by the pool with Corey, Miz and Simply. The guys were all shirtless, wearing swimming trunks, and drinking beer. Bonnie wore jean shorts, and a long, white t-shirt. She did not look as if she intended to join them in the pool but had merely passed by, but as she saw me staring at her from inside the house, I could see her smile mischievously and change her mind.
She said something to the guys that made them happy, then she looked back at me and began to unbutton her shorts. The guys appropriately looked away from her undressing, but I did not. I stared at her as she slowly teased the shorts off her legs. Then she turned around and bent over slowly to grab them. Had she not worn the large T-shirt, she would have shown her ass to me, but as it was, the shirt covered her sufficiently. Her show was still enough to make me flush and yearn for more of her.
She then looked away from me as if dismissing me, and went into the pool, still wearing her t-shirt. I felt like a creep for staring at her through the window and prayed none of the guys would spot me and call for me to join them. I knew I should walk away, but I could not help but stare as her shirt took on all the water it could hold, and then hugged her body tightly. Bonnie seemed to only move where I could see her, and she kept looking to make sure I was still there, watching her.
I was transfixed; if someone else would have come into the kitchen I would not have noticed. As I dreamt about her, my hand unknowingly traveled down my pizza pants and inside my panties. I stood in the kitchen of a house I was not alone in, touching myself while staring at Bonnie. Every fiber of my being wanted to jump her. I was still upset at her, but I could not deny how I yearned to feel her wet skin upon mine.
The realization of what I was doing eventually broke through my clouded mind, and I quickly moved my hand away. “What the fuck am I doing?” I asked myself harshly.
I suddenly did not want to show her that her seductions had any effect on me. I stormed out of the kitchen and back to my room, furious at myself for having lost control so easily.
I immediately sought the comfort of my bed, there was no chance I could focus on anything work-related. I considered finishing myself off so that I might regain the use of my mind, but that felt too much like letting her win. Instead, I brought out my phone and mindlessly scrolled through TikTok, hoping that would clear my mind. While I could not entirely shut out the thoughts of Bonnie stripping for me, or the look of her body in a wet t-shirt, it did make time go faster. When she was almost out of my mind, there was a knock on my door.
I wondered about putting on a sweater before opening it, but it was too hot, Instead, I undid the tie off the bottom of my shirt and let it fall to cover my stomach, then I put some slippers on to cover my feet. I went to the door and pulled the curtain apart.