Joel & Mrs. Young 01

Ahh, business Christmas parties, right? The one chance every year that anyone and everyone can pull the plug, let loose, make a fool out themselves and only regret it until about the next St. Patrick’s Day. Even my big box home improvement store planned such a holiday party and it’s well known that I Love nothing more than to volunteer my time to the cause.

So, two days before the business party, I stopped into the store’s front offices to talk to Mrs. Young from Accounts Receivable to see what party tasks were open.

“Well Joel, I appreciate your offer to help and all, but the girls in accounting and I have the hall rented, the food schedules, the beverages on order, the DJ and his music, the company gifts, the secret Santa gifts and the table and chairs set-up all ready to go, so basically the only thing two things left open are the hanging of the mistletoe branch and for me to find a dress to wear. So, Joel, would you like to hang the mistletoe?”

“Well, damn it, Mrs. Young, I was going to volunteer to perform any number of those tasks, but now it sounds like it’s too late. I mean, my bad for missing the volunteer list of tasks and all.”

“Hmmm, well, then I guess it’s my bad for only posting one volunteer sign up sheet in every single department section, entry way and break area, right? Since November 1st.”

“Fine, throw the garden area guy to the curb and pretend that he’s not wanted at the party. Have fun.”

What a witch, right? I mean, hah, Mrs. Young didn’t post a single sign up until November 2nd and there was a misprint on the open task list, so she’s a liar and I’m innocent.

“Alright young man, bring it down a notch. Joel, I apologize for my outburst and all and I know that nobody but you noticed that the dash between “sign” and “up” was missing and you got all confused, so I’m sorry. It’s just been a stressful six full weeks of planning and prepping and I’m a little stressed out. So, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to take my stress out on you.”

“Apology accepted Mrs. Williams, although I may not be able sleep for the next two weeks. So, now that we clearly identified me as innocent because of the missing dash between “sign” and “up” on the tasks list, what can I do to help, Mrs. Young?”

“Well Joel, would you like to take full responsibility for hanging the mistletoe with one staple from the power stapler? I mean, you might have to stand a chair and all.”

“Hey, I’m all about being an active volunteer, so I got this. By the way, mistletoe, right? That’s like from the other end of eye of newt or something, right Mrs. Williams?”

“Ugh, Joel, let’s forget the hanging of the mistletoe for now. How would you feel about taking care of my last task? But I warn you, you might think of it as weird.”

“Please, Mrs. Williams! Not only is weird my middle name, it’s my nickname too. So, Joel Jon Jones at your service. What can I do?”

“It’s embarrassing, Joel, embarrassing I say.”

“Again, we’re running through my book of life, which is getting shorter with all this jibber jabber.”

“Fine, but don’t look at me when I say the word (sexy), OK? Anyways, a few of the younger girls in the Returns department were talking about dressing (sexy) and I thought.”

“STOP! Mrs. Young, the word (sexy) has been printed in the dictionary since like two years ago, so you don’t need to whisper the word (sexy) when using it in a sentence and I promise, you won’t be arrested. So, you were saying that Cindi and Mindi were going to wear red fishnets under their short Christmas plaid skirts? Or something like that?”

“Fine, well, I heard them saying that they were going to some crazy (Sex) clothes in Hillsdale and I’m not sure how to approach them to get an invite for the shopping trip. I mean, I have heard that the store has music blasting and black lights, so it’s probably a druggie place and certainly not a place that I would go on my own because the cashiers and sales girls are probably hookers who cash you out while puffing on their hoochie sticks! Black lights, hookers and hoochie sticks, Joel, Black lights and the hoochie I say.”

“And you want me to talk to them, Mrs. Young?”

“Well, don’t I deserve to look (sexy) at the party too?”

OMG. How many times in my adventures have you folks heard me say that I helpful always? Like every story, right? And if anyone can come up with a smooth story that seems to ramble on to convince someone to do something, well that’s me, right? And I came up with the perfect long-winded story to bridge the shopping age gap between young Cindi and Mindi and the still quite fit, Mrs. Young. I mean, I wear people down with words, right? Like the word right, right?

“Cindi, Mindi, in the backseat of my SUV at 5:05pm. We’re going to the Sex clothes store in Hillsdale for office party clothes and I’m buying! Any questions? And not one single word to anyone about what Mrs. Young may or may get to wear to the company party! Got it? Questions? Oh, and by the way, Mrs. Young can’t seem to get over whispering (sexy) like this, so cut her some slack about that.”

“Mrs. Young? Do the Amish have company parties?”

“Shut it, Cindi. What’s the catch Joel, other than you clearly said you were buying? I mean, are you hoping to peek on us as we try on a few (sexy) costumes? And forget about Cindi and I tag teaming with you any time soon. I mean, you at least have to make a move first. I’m just saying.”

Well, I’ll just put that last statement in my back pocket for now because time was running short to get Mrs. Williams wrapped up in some (sexy) outfit for the business party.

“Well, I wasn’t thinking that until you just said it out loud, Mindi, but I am now! Fine, one peek outside of the dressing room with any outfit the two of you chose, no advance info on what Mrs. Young may wear to the party and as a kicker, Free red fishnets and red plaid skirts for the two of you, which you don’t have to wear to party, but you may consider changing into for the after party. Questions?”

“Hmmm, a hard bargain, but sold. Mindi?”

“Sold, but Cindi and I are both shy and wearing any (sexy) red fishnets to the after party will leave us both feeling a little exposed, so it would be best and totally appropriate for us to cover up our flashy bodies with a leg garter each. Christmas themed, of course.”

“LOL, sold back at you! So, 5:05pm and I’m driving.”

“Or and hear me out Joel, or you can go back to your department, ignore a few customers and log onto the (Sex) clothing store’s website and create a credit account with store and then just give Mindi and I the account number. Oh, and stay behind, of course.”

“What? Do you two think that I can’t handle underground music and Black lights? Or (sexy) and shapely mannequins in (sexy) clothing? Or maybe a mannequin that the sales girl forgot to put a shirt on by mistake? I mean, I once dated a mannequin for two days, so believe me, I can handle some stuff!”

“Well, your date for the Cinco de Mayo party was cute and all and I will admit that you did an excellent job painting all of her nails, but this might be a little different.”

“Hey, not only is my middle name different, it’s my nickname too! So, Joel Jon Jones is behind the wheel at 5:05pm and if you guys catch me making out with the cashier and the sales girl, well, that’s just the price the two of you will have to pay! Busted tongue kissing the cashier, I say.”

“Oh, well, we’ll be sure to capture that with our phone cameras. Last chance for your account number, Joel because except for the Hot blonde seamstress in the back, well Joel, the cashiers and the sales girls are all boys who dress up and look like girls, so make sure to get some tongue kissing in and get it in there all deep and stuff!”

“Oh, well, I’ll just open up a credit account because I’m too busy with the hanging of mistletoe, the eye of newt and with the sweeping of the rental hall floor from the hair of bat.”

I mean, what the hell were they thinking asking me to waste two hours of my valuable time when I had so many open party tasks to perform? Geez, some people just think it’s OK to just show up at a party without contributing towards the efforts!

And finally, the night of the business Christmas party arrived and I couldn’t wait to boast to all of my co-workers about how effort and volunteering I put in to get this party off of the ground.

“Wow Mrs. Williams, you look amazing in that Christmas themed dress and by amazing, I mean (sexy). But it is the one chance to let loose and embarrass ourselves in front of all of our co-workers, so why the modesty shirt? I mean, the words (deep) and (cleavage) are both in the dictionary these days too.”

“LOL, thanks Joel and believe me, I have felt (sexy) since I put this outfit on today. And as far as that (deep) (cleavage) thing goes, well, some things are best left to our youth. And it’s not a normal modesty tank top, but more of a Christmas themed leotard and to prove to you how (sexy) I feel tonight, I traded my upper body lingerie and my lower body lingerie for a (sexy) one-piece leotard. By the way, Cindi and Mindi made me do it. I mean, I was all second-hand smoke high from the hoochie sticks and by an OMG way, the workers at that store are not hookers!”

“So, you traded your bra and panties tonight for a (sexy) leotard then, right?”

“Fine Joel, if you going to force me to get (dirty) about things, then yes, I traded my upper body bra and my lower body panties for a form fitting leotard and at the risk of being arrested, I’ll even say that I had to shave, you know, downstairs, to properly wear the leotard. Geez Joel, why don’t you just turn me into a street worker and be my blimp.”

“Pimp, Mrs. Young, blimps fly and pimps don’t fly, but they usually look fly. Anyways, you look great. And by the way, have you noticed the mistletoe yet? I got the small branch of mistletoe hung up with only 17 staples.”

“Well Joel, most folks usually hang mistletoe above a doorway so that people can stand under it, but I suppose that barely above head level and on the wall works too. I mean, what? You couldn’t find a chair to stand on? Although there are 150 chairs in the party rental hall. Ugh, somedays not being with a man for 15 years is a blessing, a blessing I say. Anyways, Joel, can we have a moment of honesty before we begin the embarrassing mingling process?”

“Hey, not only is honesty my middle name, it’s my nickname too! So, Joel Jon Jones is ready to be honest and nothing but honest, but don’t ask me to be honest about my experience with women because that’s honestly at an embarrassing zero. Well, I might be at a one or something.”

“I believe you Joel. Listen there is a rule out there and it’s older than I am, so if we find ourselves smashed up against the wall and just barely under the mistletoe, well, you have to kiss me Joel, it’s a rule and you have to kiss me, smooch me I say!”

“Oh, mistletoe or not, we’re kissing tonight and the only question will be is how we kiss and that will be dependent on if we’re in plain sight of some our co-workers or not.”

“So, like maybe an explainable and innocent peck on the lips if people can see us and maybe a hand around my waist if they can’t see us? It’s been a while since I have shared such a kissable moment with a man and I am feeling quite (sexy) tonight, so? And by so, I mean there are a few dirty words I can’t say out loud yet, so feel Free to read between the lines about tongue kissing me deep if no one can see us.”

“Well, when two adults are totally alone and standing behind the gift table where no one else can hear us, I suppose that would be the time to not share intimate thoughts out loud. However, not only is my middle name kissing secret, kissing dirty, it’s my nickname too! So, Joel Jon Jones, at your service and reading between the lines while tongue kissing multiple women deep since last April. I mean, kissing right? That’s when our lips meet together, right? Anyways, it’s not that I want to change the subject as quickly as possible, but the after party, right? That’s when your (sexy) Christmas party dress comes off and you mingle around in your (sexy) form fitted Christmas themed leotard? With fishnets on. Like Cindi and Mindi. At the after party. In Christmas red fishnets. At the after party.”

“Well, that is the plan according to Cindi and Mindi and they did pick out a cute and modest skirt for me to wear over my (sexy) leotard, but I tricked them. I snuck a pair of (black) fishnets to slip on over my leotard and under my modest skirt. But there is a problem, LOL, for you.”

“Hey, not only is my middle name problem solver, it’s my nickname too! So, Joel Jon Jones at your service and ready to solve any problem, which also includes my services to help you slip your (sexy) (black) fishnets on, if that’s going to be a problem for you to handle on your own.”

“Oh boy, Joel. I mean, wow, you could have sweet talked-me right down the aisle back in my day! Anyways, the problem is that my leotard doesn’t have a trap door sewn in and Cindi thought there might be a few moments of passion and then Mindi insisted that there be a few moments of passion, so we may have to figure a few things out. And given your lack of experience with women, well Joel, the girls gave me a few instructions.”

“And you want all this, Mrs. Young? I mean, it’s a big step if I have to start pushing material to the side and all you know, after you show me how to do that given my lack of experience and all.”

“I do, Joel, I do. I feel (sexy) and the way the girls tell it, well, it’s pretty easy to be a little (naughty) in the Ladies Room of the rental hall and then again at the after party.”

Just to clear the air folks, our business Christmas party didn’t have a large budget, so the party and the after party are both in the same hall. But we get to say that we went to the “after party”, right? I mean, I think it makes a difference at the hospital when completing the birth certificate nine months later.

“And I don’t know who designed restroom stalls and toilet tanks, but everything seems to be the perfect height and width. Well, obviously a man designed these things, right? A (dirty) minded man, I say.”

Well, I’m sure we were gonna be the talk topic at the water cooler soon enough, but at least I was calling her Yvette by the end of the party and the after party. Four times.

End Joel & Mrs. Young 01