Joel & Mrs. Evans 01

Neighborhood book clubs, right? I’ve been running on empty and squirting steam for the past couple of weeks! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m having the sexual time of my life, but still, right? It’s non-stop book club issues, not that I’m complaining. But on a high note, I’m happy to report that my co-worker Henry and that mysterious Butch guy seemed to have reconnected, not that I was interested in seeing that, but I guess I got one eye full of that over at Darla’s house, so I have surgery scheduled soon to have that eye removed and melted down.

Anyways, like I said, the book club members may have a few years on me, but they are hard to keep up with, LOL, especially when my number one, Annie Atkins makes such a strict schedule.

Also, sexual energy drinks and supplements just don’t work as advertised.

“Yoo-hoo, hello? Young man?” Hello?

“One moment please while I stack this bag of feed, OK, hello, what can I do for you today? Mulch? Top soil? Butter? Rope? Oh, holy snap Chapel, Mrs. Evans, what are you doing here? And please tell me that you need hanging flower baskets? And, ah, I see that still refuse to go anywhere without the Good Book in your hand.”

“Praise the Almighty, Joel. I’m here to intervene and become your savior in the flesh!”

“On a Thursday, Mrs. Evans?”

“Praise all of our days, young man. Now, before I slap you up side of the head with my Good Book, I’ll give you one chance to repent and see the truth.”

“Ah, geez, Mrs. Evans, is it really so bad if I wait until I’m 30 to repent? Unless repent means to pull myself up by the boot strings and give it the old college try.”

“I do declare as the Almighty is my witness, you’re on a path of sin, Joel.”

“Alright, fine, preach to me Sister and tell me what’s on your mind. I mean, with the customers I have been with all summer, I mean, why not, right?”

“Praise be the Good Book. I was walking around that new-fangled inter-web and I came upon a book club (Praise be), so I took a chance, took my Good Book, paid my dues, (Praise be) and do you know what I found as soon as they locked the door behind me, Joel?”

“Actually, Mrs. Evans, I don’t know what you found. I’m an honorary member, but I’ve never actually attended one of the book club meetings, so why don’t you do declare and enlighten me, LOL?”

“Praise the Almighty and have mercy on the one who makes jokes. Joel, I found six female children of the Almighty and they were all sitting around in their fancy under garments and drinking the devil’s juice, I do declare! And the sins I witnessed, Joel, the sins of the flesh without any men folk around!”

Ah, under garments? I mean, I think I figure out the devil’s juice and LOL, men folk, but fancy under garments? Well, at least, praise be, she didn’t call them bloomers, right?

“I declare young Mr. Joel, their bloomers were not basic white and their brassieres were from another world, praise be the writings of the good book!”

“Alright then, Mrs. Evans, look, modern women, you know, beyond the 4th century are proud of their bodies and everyone enjoys the feel and the look of modern lingerie. The world doesn’t stop spinning because of a little cleavage exposure or hints of side boob. And by the way, praise be modern times.”

“Hide from the Almighty, their dirty sin bags were exposed everywhere, Joel. Their dirty sin bags were exposed in every direction, I do declare. And their modern bloomers, Joel, I swear by the Good Book, they were no bigger than a napkin, the shame, Joel, the shame, not to mention that were shaped like the devil’s triangle. The things I seen, Joel, the things I seen.”

“I see, so, shall we circle back to the beginning and start with how you walked around the inter-web?”

“Preach to me brother, praise be.”

“OK, log back into the devil’s web so you can surf around and search for “lingerie” and you don’t need to include the word “modern” or anything, but don’t be afraid to include the word “sexy” either.”

“My head is lowered my preaching brother, guide me down the path.”

“Alright, look Mrs. Evans, you have to find your own style, so purchase one or two items at a time. You know, try bikini cut panties, or maybe a thong and don’t be afraid to try a shelf bra or even a corset. Every website includes a few models and photos, so surf around.”

“Praise be, Joel, praise be, but do show me the way to the light and enlighten me as to what that Cindi whore does with all those sticks of butter? And praise be the size of her dirty sin bags, am I right? I mean, how could the heavens create such huge dirty sin bags? Also, do I need to stock up on butter sticks?”

“Oh, well, let’s not read that far ahead in the Good Book just yet and no, you don’t need a few extra sticks of butter, so we’ll find another path of sin for you. Your dirty sinful fun bags aren’t exactly made for a stick of butter, but the Almighty created everyone different, right?”

“Praise be the curse on my chest. Is that why I never many men folk around, Joel? Preach to me my brother, save me.”

“Not really, Mrs. Evans. It’s probably more because you slap men folk in the head with your Good Book every single time that they glance at you. Believe me, everyone likes boobs at the end of the day, no matter the shape or size. I mean, men folk, women folk, white tail deer, everyone likes boobs.”

“Wash your mouth, Joel with such language like boobs, praise be the writings and curse the sin bags that the heavens make women bare.”

“OK, listen, everyone likes titties and they make lingerie that will push them up, push them out and even pull them in when that’s appropriate, like when the night comes that you decide to wear only one dress or robe or whatever the hell all that stuff you wear is. I mean, you were at the book club meeting and I know how fond Mrs. Atkins is of a nice push up bra, so, wasn’t she sexy and attractive?”

“I have sinned Joel, I have sinned. Her sin bag mounds caught my attention. I have been shamed.”

“And did you accidently slip as you reached for the sign out sheet? And was it her usual red? And those are some mounds, am I right?”

“I am destined for damnation, Joel, eternal damnation! Her red blood vessels called to me, they called to me like the devil himself. I have sinned with my eyes and my fingers!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, listen most website offer overnight or two-day shipping, if you’re interested in that and I believe that you have what they call an Apple butt under your 7 dresses, which just might look nice in a Brazilian cut high waisted thong. Or whatever you find that you like. It’s your given body, so work with it.”

“The Apple started it all, Joel, we are all damned forever.”

“Well, stay away from the Forever Young website for now. So, Mrs. Evans, shall I expect a dinner invitation soon? And if I may be so bold to ask Mrs. Evans, could you be cursed with a devil child or are we Free to explore the writings of the Good Book without fear?”

“Joel, you must always fear the writings of the Good Book, but the heaven’s have seen fit to wash me clean from the threat of a devil child.”

“I think black lingerie will suit your skin tone, not that anyone has seen all of your skin tone, Mrs. Evans. And nylon stockings with a garter belt go a long way.”

“I do declare, I do declare, I shall put the Good Book down for a few days.”

“And speaking of how the first thing you will do is to go down on me as soon as I enter your home, ah, pick up a cucumber or a banana on the way home and you know, practice preaching to it.”

“As the heavens are my witness, the devil’s seed has never passed my lips, Joel.”

“Mrs. Evans, it’s OK if you spit the first time, but don’t be afraid to face the devil. You are a strong woman folk and the devil will fear you if you swallow the seed that has damned us for all time.”

“Praise be the parting of sea, Joel, praise be the wide valleys.”

“Ugh, um, look for a push up bra with extra padding??? Men folk don’t know all the writings of the Good Book of boobs. Read the descriptions of the lingerie and they will guide you to the light.”

“But with the will of the heavens, my savior will accept my sinful self?”

“Oh, I’ll be accepting things as they are, alright. Besides, lingerie has a habit of not staying on too long, so let nature show her true self.”

“I shall pray in advance, Joel, I shall pray.”

“Does everyone always pray on their knees, Mrs. Evans?”

“It’s been a curse for women folk for the ages. Men folk have been known to take prayer sessions the wrong way. Cursed are those who did it on purpose.”

“Well, they probably got paid, so whatever. Shall I bring anything over when I show up dinner, Mrs. Evans?”

“The devil child cleansing process as seen fit by the heavens, has left me with a certain dryness, my savior. Praise be the holy water that you might bring with you.”

OMG, another notch in my belt that requires external lubrication? I seriously need to get back into the club scene, right?

“The Almighty taketh away and the Sex shop brings it back. So, an early dinner, Mrs. Evans? Say 5pm?”

“Fear the heavens Joel, the dirty deed before sundown? Lightning will strike us down! Is this the curse of the modern ways of the sins of the flesh?”

“The sun dial no longer matters, Mrs. Evans and don’t be afraid to buy a leg garter belt too. I really like those little things. Like with a little bow tie on it.”

“May my body burst into flames if I sin my own flesh and blood.”

“Oh, yeah, ah, your younger Sister can help with dinner, I mean, yeah.”

“Oh Joel, curse all that binds me and my blood Sister.”

“Ooh, ah, shaving down there can be tricky until you gain a little experience, so you trim her a little and she trims you a little, maybe? And praise be, just light trimming. We don’t want any nicks.”

Seriously, I have to get back to the club scene. I mean, I might want to attend a service or two so I can scope other blood sisters, but seriously, I have to sun dial back the age gaps.

“Praise be the good writings, but other words are often whispered by sinners.”

“Just like everyone likes boobs, everyone also likes pillow talk, although it’s not my strong suit, but we’ll see how it goes, Mrs. Evans.”

“And from fear of the unknown, sin always sneaks up on the sinners, Joel.”

“I promise, if I catch you bending over the oven or the bathroom sink, my tool of sin will find a way to sneak up on you. Or your Sister, Evie.”

“As the heavens have seen fit, we shall sin this Sunday, right Joel?”

“We will rewrite the book, Mrs. Evans, we will rewrite the book. And don’t forget about Evie when you order new lingerie and by the way, never ever say brassiere again.”

“By the grace or curse of the heavens, Evie has been blessed with shameful pointers.”

“Oh, well, then look into a Peek A Boo bra for Sister Evie. By the way, maybe something in a shiny blue for Evie. Black and blue go together, just like sisters.”

No, seriously, I need to give up the gigolo life and discover me a nice 20 something babe to date.

End Joel & Mrs. Evans 01