Joel & Mrs. Atkins 01

Hi, I’m Joel, I’m 23, I live in Middleton and I seem to be the designated home improvement discount guy in my neighborhood, which I don’t mind. Now, I admit that I may cater to the “over 40” women who also live in the neighborhood, but it was seemed like the gentleman thing to do by my helping out when there is a need for a discount and/or the hauling of some heavier items.

So, in other words, I’m the most trendy guy in the neighborhood, LOL, from time to time, not that I’m very trendy with anyone in my age group. But, as they say, everything seemed to work out at the end of the day for me.

And I might as well begin my story out with my shortest trip. LOL, I walked to my neighbor’s house one particular Saturday evening after an easy day at work to confirm her mulch order.

Ahh, Mrs. Atkins. The wonderful woman who basically started it all, not to mention my all time favorite when it came to answering the door that fateful day. It was a knock that I will never forget.

Oops, let me pause here and reconfirm to all of you that everything and I mean everything, started out absolutely innocent and with the best and purest intentions, even though they may have not ended so pure and innocent.

So, back to that fateful front door knock on Mrs. Atkins. I mean, women in robes, am I right?

“Oh, ah, sorry Mrs. Atkins, did I catch you at a bad time? I just popped over to reconfirm how many bags of mulch you wanted from the store tomorrow. Um, ah, were you taking a Shower or something, Mrs. Atkins?”

“Oh, Joel, ah, no, I just answered the door in my robe because I thought you might be Mrs. Kendall in her fancy electric car when I didn’t hear a vehicle pull into the driveway, so this is a little embarrassing, right? Anyways, you caught me trying on some new clothes.”

“Um, no, it’s not embarrassing, it’s a nice robe and um, it’s a nice robe and I think it’s a nice bath robe.”

By the way, women who answer the door in a short bath robe, am I right? Better than a short skirt, I think.

“Joel, that was code for get your Ass inside before someone spies us from the street.”

See? Everything so far was totally innocent, right? Also, white cotton robes rule the day or evening.

“Alright, Mrs. Atkins. I think you’re going to need 12 bags of red cedar mulch to ground cover your front flower beds and the backyard, so I’ll haul them around tomorrow evening, alright?”

Also, short tightly roped robes with a busty neighbor lady inside of it rule everything. And since when did they begin designing in breast size enhancers in short white cotton robes? I mean, things looked, ah, bigger.

“Joel, sit down, we need to talk.”

Hey, I swear, my cargo shorts were quite baggy, so there is no way she could spy me and my condition. Although she had every right to call me out for having a red blush flare to my facial skin, I suppose. I mean, it was getting warm in there.

Also, LOL, life seemed so much easier when I barely had to speak, which, LOL, probably wasn’t gonna help my cause, so, carry on Mrs. Atkins, carry on.

“OMG Joel, stop looking so nervous! We’re both adults and we should be able to talk about anything. Well, I may be slightly more of an Adult than you, but we’re both over 21, so relax and stop trying to do math in your head young man! The answer is I’m slightly more Adult than you, period!”

Oh, yeah, ah, scolding me at that angle was cool. I mean, fancy robes have such a nice break in the chest area, right? By the way, husbands who divorce wives who walk around the house in short cotton robes are just stupid.

“Alright then, listen Joel, whatever we talk about stays with us and us only. I’m still active with the neighborhood book clubs and other social events, so this is not common knowledge.”

Secrets? I can do secrets. And I can nod my head up and down too.

“Joel, are you gay?”

Oops, ah, no and that better not be a secret circulating through the neighborhood! Especially through the local lady’s book clubs!

“No, Mrs. Atkins, I am most certainly not gay! I may not be all that as a lady’s man, but I am not gay. Now please tell me that I’m not one of the subjects at your infamous wine tasting clubs, I mean book club meetings.”

“Oh, ah, you have been a topic before, but that’s another story. Joel, if you’re as straight as you claim, then why don’t you ever make any kind of move on me? Or with me or whatever the cool kids say these days. I mean, I have the right equipment and we’re both adults, so, what am I missing here? Is it the age difference thing or is it something else? I mean, I know what’s happening in your pants from time to time, so what the hell, Joel? You know how things work between men and women when I talk about equipment, right?”

Oh, snap, ah, I guess forwardness comes with life experiences, right? I mean, let’s just put it out there, I guess. Ah, Sex ed 201 maybe?

“Oh, and by the way Joel, stop doing the other math in your head right now! My hips and butt do not have dimensions! They are shapely, period!”

Oh, I was gonna slap back with how she failed to mention anything about the dimensions of her boobs, but I was afraid that the red blood vessels in head were gonna explode or something. And by that, I mean, LOL, I was almost afraid to speak.

“And by the way, Joel, back in my day, a man would do everything in his power to not go home with a boner filled with red blood, so what the hell is going on here? Equipment Joel. The round peg in the round hole and such!”

“Ah, geez, Mrs. Atkins, it’s not you, you’re amazing. And it’s not the book club meetings, but thanks for confirming that they are buzzed up gossip sessions. Ah, I never really consider our ages and there is no point in denying that I have checked out your “equipment” many times since I bought the house next to yours.”

“Fine, I’ll accept all that and I’ll never question your sexual preferences again. Look, I don’t know what’s going on with me, but I seem to be quite Horny lately after enduring such long lengths of sexual neglect and my titties have just been going to waste for far too long, so do you want to suck on my titties for a little while or not, Joel?”

Yup, the red blood vessels in my head burst, didn’t they?

“Ah, of course I do, Mrs. Atkins, but I’m not all that of a lady’s man.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, your missile may launch early sometimes or whatever. Joel, I’m Horny and I can’t get involved with the neighborhood cheating husbands club and I trust you, so what the hell are you going to do?”

Wow, do they really just pop out that easily? I mean, swish, swoop and boom, boobs! Also, boobs are the answer to all of the world’s problems and by that, I mean launch boobs, not missiles, not that I had a chance to say that or anything.

“Go ahead and latch onto a nipple, Joel. Let Momma Annie feed you and don’t be shy about letting me know you’re there, baby, a little discomfort never hurt anyone. Ooh, and you say you’re not a lady’s man. Oops, ahh, ooh, please continue, you just caught me by surprise, Tiger.”

Oh, no, I hadn’t forgotten about her “early launch” opinion yet, but exposed and presented boobs take priority, right?

“Oh, for someone who isn’t a lady’s man Joel, you sure seem to have picked up on titty sucking quickly. Nibble on my nipples baby and don’t be shy with your hands either. LOL, my shapely hips won’t be hard to find, LOL.”

Again, launch ballistic nipples and all will be fine in the world.

“Ooh, that’s nice, Joel. Ooh, wow, yeah baby, bite them and make them bleed a little. I can take it Joel and don’t be shy about when you’re ready for me to latch my lips on something of yours. We’re totally alone, so we can do anything you want to. Ooh, seriously? That was a pretty slick move for someone who knows nothing about the female body. OMG, you’re a nipple man for sure baby, go ahead and let Momma Annie feed your titty needs honey. Milk me, even though there is no milk.”

See? Even the worse lady’s man can have a slick move or two, right? Also, ah, hey, a woman who takes charge with the Sex is amazing, especially when her robe is split open. Not to mention that Mrs. Atkins’ had a move or two of her own.

“Hmmm, such a nice missile, Joel. Mind if I clean the tip of your missile? And don’t even worry about launching your first missile early Tiger, it’s part of the long-term launch plans.”

Well, I’m sure I’m not the first one to notice this, but it’s almost impossible to keep a nipple or two in one’s mouth when she breaks away and lowers her head to the crotch area when the two, LOL, adults are getting frisky on the couch. And I mention that because my brain was telling me to try that again in a prone position at a later time. I mean, maybe things line up differently on the bed, right?

“Whoa, whoa, wow, Mrs. Atkins, I used to think it was a shame that you and your cheating husband got divorced, but now, OMG, I’m so glad that you did.”

Um, by the way, ah, just when did her short cotton robe come off?

“Hmmm, I think someone’s missile is fully fueled, so is your missile about to launch, Joel?”

“OMG, the launch sequence has started, Mrs. Atkins!!!! Can I blow on your tits, Mrs. Atkins?”

Nope, I’m not really sure where that request came from except for maybe that I had been checking her boobs out for so long. Besides, I had the feeling that this wasn’t gonna be a one-time event.

“Sure, as long as you stop calling me Mrs. Atkins and call me Annie behind closed doors, Tiger.”

“Oh, ooh, Annie, oh, prepare for lift off!”

Huh? The hands of experience, right? LOL, Mrs. Atkins’ may have been a fire fighter back in the day or something because she handled me like a water hose

“Squirt me Tiger, wow, that’s some powerful blasts! LOL, my faggot Ass ex-hubby would have licked your stuff off of my chest! Anyways, I would have swallowed, Tiger. You hear me?”

“I know Annie, but we have time for everything, right?”

“Oh, we have time, sugar. Now, let’s get off of the couch and try my bed this time. And if it helps you get it up one more time, you can spy on me in my private bathroom as I wash my chest off a little and then I would like to sit on the launch pad, alright?”

Now, tell me that I don’t have the best neighbor ever? I mean, two times in one day? That was a first for me! Not to mention that she sure knew how to wash her chest off. And by the way, ah, what was she implying when she mentioned that her faggot ex-husband would have licked my stuff up?

“Enjoying the show, Tiger?”

“Oh, very much so, Annie. The missile refueling process is almost complete.”

“Sorry for the sag, but it happens.”

“I hadn’t noticed.”

“LOL, you’re sweet, Joel. So, say something nice while I finish toweling off my tits to make me believe that this isn’t pity Sex for the old lady next door.”

“Oh no, this isn’t pity Sex! I mean, it’s my third Sex, so maybe it’s pity Sex in my direction, LOL.”

“Cute. Listen Tiger, I’m technically not totally safe for a couple of years yet, so we need to use a condom, alright?”

Oh, snap! My missile is gonna blast off if she puts that thing on me with any extra sexual movements whatsoever with her hands! Snap!

“And don’t worry Tiger, LOL, I grabbed two! I mean, my faggot ex-husband, right? He always wanted a hand job while I rolled a condom on him and he called me Butch, so please don’t call me Butch.”

Hmmm, so Mr. Atkins had a different view in life, huh? And if I’m not mistaken, Butch lives on the street directly behind us. And I don’t mind saying, LOL, that explains a lot! LOL, and I also don’t mind saying that I’m sort of glad that his recent order for top soil was more than I could deliver in my truck. Not to mention that I may have to have a conversation with Hank the truck driver soon. However, before I get back to the story, ah, you all heard Mrs. Atkins’ refer to me as a “Tiger” several times, right? Let’s just remember that. Tiger, LOL, Tiger Joel.

“Alright Tiger Joel, climb aboard and give this old lady what she needs and don’t worry about premature or malfunctioning launches, we have all the time we need and by the way, thanks, I’m really pleased right now. Ooh, see, easy, ahh, see, that’s a nice fit, right Tiger?”

“Annie, are you my woman, now?”

“Hmmm, can we dial that back a little, Joel? I mean, you’re coming back for sure, but this isn’t exactly a relationship to post about. People see things differently when they are not directly involved. I mean, the book clubs and the other social events, right?”

“So, you’re still Mrs. Atkins outside of the bedroom?”

“Don’t be mad, babe. It’s society, not me. Now do me and do me with everything you have, Joel. Wait, what? Did you just grunt? Is it over, again, so soon? I mean, ooh, you did me baby.”

“No, no, Annie, I didn’t! I mean, I grunted, but that was just my sexy Tiger Joel grunt. I’m still good.”

“Whew! I mean, I knew that Joel, now stop talking and screw me!”

Well, well, well, wasn’t that just enjoyable and amazing? And yes, as she said, it was a great fit, not to mention that hearing her experience pillow talk let me know that I had been missing out on so much in life, not that my pitiful Sex life was all that old or fulfilled.

“I mean, the condom isn’t full because of your previous efforts, right Annie?”

“Relax, Joel, it was perfect and I’m already feeling so much better. Now, I might just be your woman, but maybe not like how you might want me to be. And by the way, I haven’t been keeping score, but we haven’t even kissed yet and we’ve been in bed for almost two hours, not that my titties are complaining about hogging all of your Free lip time.”

Oh, oops, where were my manners, right? Enter stage left, Tiger lips!

“Are you mad that we had to scrub the rest of the missile launches, Annie?”

“Oh, no, Joel, LOL, I’ll take you 55 seconds at a time all week, LOL. You’re a good kisser and I’m going to brag about my stud to the ladies, not that I will use you name, Tiger. Now, kiss your woman again, stud.”

Alright then, all of you are obligated to act as my witnesses, so support my claims of having a woman if and when I post something on Chang, OK? And you know, clap back with a “stud” or a “Tiger” too!

End Joel & Mrs. Atkins 01