“You are all wondrously made, girls. Remember that: wondrously made, and you should carry your sex proudly, a badge of honor.”–Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

CHAPTER 17

Since I had gotten home in the early morning hours after my night with Miss M, and because of all the activity that had occurred, the next day for me was a blur. I remember waking up sometime in the early afternoon, taking another warm bath, and falling asleep in the tub. I was so spent and exhausted, I didn’t do much that day other than relax around the house and mindlessly do typical chores. It wasn’t until the next day that I returned to my typical self and had time to think on the events and experience from the previous night.

To start, I’ll reiterate that it was an incredible experience and one that I was glad to have had. Miss M is an incredible woman and really knew how to bring things out of me, and had me do and experience things no one else had yet done.

I thought if I could do it again, be there with her or for her, or any other woman, for that matter. I began to feel a bit guilty that I liked it. It was different than when I was with Ms. Oeaux. With her, I was solely on the receiving end, more of a passive participant. With Miss M however, I was more active, even seeking her out and doing things to her like a lover would do to her partner. I thought if I was a lesbian now? Another pang of guilt came over me as I wondered about that. I didn’t want to be a lesbian. It was against everything that I was taught growing up. I let that wondered sink in for a few minutes as I rolled it over in my mind before coming to a strong conclusion: to hell with what everyone else wondered! If this is what I truly wanted, what I would become, then they would just have to accept it. Remembering my lost time and life with Jonathan, I came to the firm stance that I would do for me what was best for me, and if I found and fell in love with another woman, then that’s what I would do and I would not let anything hold me back.

And yet, that’s not what held my mind. As I mulled it over and over, though being with another woman was fun and different, it still didn’t have the same connection for me as being with men. It was nowhere close to how it felt that night with Aaron. Men just had a different feel, a different approach. Even a dominant woman, like Miss M or Miss Oeaux, couldn’t be as dominant to me as a man could. A woman, no matter how mean or stern or dominant she acts, still has to open her legs, open herself up to someone else giving her pleasure, or forego that part of sex entirely. Conversely, a man comes from a natural position of strength, and he asserts his dominance by pushing into a woman, exerting his control. At least, this is how I envisioned the typical dynamic between a man and a woman.

Even in a pure romantic, loving relationship without any regard to BDSM, it’s a natural thing for a man to be the dominant, even. As I reflected on this, I realized not only how both sexes act and react naturally based on their physical differences, but also how our mental and emotional elements are also subsumed in those physical differences. No, though my night with Miss M and even the night with Ms. Oeaux were both fun and exciting, and maybe I would do it again in the future, it was not the same thing as being with a man, whether he was into BDSM dominance or not.

I’m sure many lesbian women would see it differently, and that is what makes them who they are. However, no matter how enjoyable, it made me realize that is not what I really was or wanted for the rest of my life. I was certainly open now if I met someone, another woman, who really captivated me, but it wasn’t something I was gonna seek out.

That brought my thoughts back to the Society. Did it really hold what I was longing for? Would it be worth doing anything else, or did I want to just let go of that world and move on? Would I even be able to move on and not wonder what I had left behind, what I might have missed out on?

I knew that something was still missing from my submissive experience, something I had come so close to achieving, but so far had eluded me. What was it, I wondered? I fixated on everything I had done, with everyone, rolling it over again and again in my mind until I came to one simple revelation: I still craved that level of pain and desire that I saw in Brooke’s eyes that very first night, the night Mr. V was whipping her. Miss M had come close to giving that to me, when she had me focus on pain and pleasure simultaneously, and was giving me both at the same time. However, even that part fell short, as the pain level was still so low, not nearly what Brooke experienced.

I still thought about that, what Brooke and Mr. V did, and whether that is what I wanted to experience, and still longed to experience it myself. I realized I couldn’t leave the Society without giving it one more chance.

I knew that this wasn’t all, though. I knew that in my life, I needed someone to connect with, to do so on a more intimate and emotional level. My experiences with Ms. Oeaux, Miss M, and even Ossie were fun, each in their own different methods, but I still needed that missing piece, the emotional connection and desire that casual encounters, no matter how fun in the moment, simply can not duplicate.

Of course, this created the question: was I missing the full BDSM experience more, or the emotional connection? I wondered about that and almost instantly knew the answer. The full BDSM experience, at least for me, was the adventure. It was like someone who wanted to climb Mount Everest or skydive or visit the Louvre. It was a longing and desire for that experience, but once achieved, it didn’t *have* to be experienced again and again. Of course, it would be nice to do again and again, but that wasn’t the main drive. The drive was to experience it once, then be able to remember it for years to come.

Conversely, the emotional connection I longed for wasn’t a simple experience to do once, then dismiss and only remember again and again. No, this was my true goal, my longing and desire, something to complete and fulfill me for the rest of my life. I couldn’t go through guy after guy after guy doing the BDSM thing and hoping to discover one that touched me like Aaron did.

Aaron? His name came unbidden into my thoughts. I thought what he was doing, how his life was going. I wondered about Jacob, and realized how much I missed them both. I began to tear up as I wondered how perfect they were, and how cruelly Aaron had shut the door on me and our relationship. I don’t think he realized how devoted I was, how much I was eager to give up for him to be a part of his life. Okay, Elizabeth, stop that. This isn’t helpful. There has to be someone out there like Aaron that will give you everything he would, everything he did. Maybe even someone better.

These were the things that I wondered about when my mind wandered, as I went through my daily activities that weekend. It was a Sunday, a full day at least past my night with Miss M, so I called and met by friend Brittany for a late lunch that day. I told her nothing about my thoughts or what I had been doing, as I couldn’t break my promise to the Society. I’m sure she sensed I was holding back. We could at all times tell that about each other, that there was something amiss, but she never pushed me to say anything, waiting for me to open up about it. It was nice to meet with her and have some sort of normalcy in my life, even if I couldn’t open up to her fully.

Anyway, after lunch I did some shopping by myself and bought some things, but I wasn’t really into it. I wondered mostly about my next step and what I need to do, and I finally decided that I would give the auction one last try, and then resign from the Society. I wanted to see if there was someone there that had the ability to give me the experience I was missing. Though I knew it was an auction and I was gonna be “theirs” for the night, I would speak up quickly, whoever won me, and tell them specifically what I wanted, what I was after, and maybe even challenge them to do it, to do it right, to bring me to that elusive point I so desperately wanted to experience.

The more I wondered about it, the more I was resolved to make it happen. This was gonna be my own personal adventure, my Mount Everest, and I was determined to give it one last chance to happen. Surprisingly enough, too, my own resolve on this path helped to settle me, make me feel better about myself and my experiences as of late. I accepted that this is what I wanted, and more importantly, it gave me some direction in my life. I now had a goal to achieve, and I was no longer gonna be just led through things and guided by everyone else.

I did consider that the person who won me might not be able to make it happen. I was okay with that as well. Some who seek the pinnacle of Mount Everest never achieve it, but it is their desire and effort in the journey that satisfies them, and I would have to be content and satisfied in my efforts as well. I didn’t want to be the poor little submissive going from Dom to Dom hoping that they would take pity on me and make something happen. No, that wasn’t for me at all. Instead, I would be firm, give this one more chance, and achieve it or not, I would be done with it and move on, looking for the emotional attachment in someone, something that I my sleep pattern revealed that I was sorely missing. Yes, this is something I needed, not a climb to the top of Mount Everest, but a simple walk over the hills with someone that I loved and shared life with. This would prove so much more fulfilling than just the sexual adventure.

*****

The next day, I made the call to Mr. F. I didn’t know who to call, since I knew they rotate the auctioneer, but he was my only contact so I called him. He let me know that was fine and that it would be set up for three weeks from now, as that was the next open date. I asked him about what ‘open date’ meant, thinking there were more auctions and people would be tired of them, but he laughed and said it was the next date that was being ‘held open’ for a efficient auction where the majority of the dominants could attend, either in person or by phone. He said that they go through calendars and email to set it up that way months in advance so that the members also would hold that date open in the possibility something like this arose. As a quick side, Mr. F said he was glad that it would happen and that he was anxious to bid on me, since he wouldn’t be the auctioneer.

I told him I was flattered, but that he didn’t have to spend his money on me for that. What he did was a bit different than the other dominants, and I would be happy to experience that with him on a regular night, if he would have me as his guest, and I would be his to use as his model for his rope tying art. He was pleased and excited and told me he would call after the auction to set up a date.

I was certainly honest with Mr. F in that I wanted to try his unique art, but it wasn’t high on my list of things to do. I had an ulterior motive here, too. Setting up a special ‘date’ as it were with Mr. F meant he wouldn’t be bidding on me. I didn’t think he could come close to fulfilling my real adventure and desire in the BDSM arena. I at least wanted the option of that happening with someone, so making a special ‘date’ with Mr. F would remove him from my list of potential winners at auction.

Over the next few weeks, I tried to return to life as usual, as best I could. For the most part, it worked, and I started bringing my friends back into my typical routine. They all commented how happy they were to see me, that we had to get together more, and that I was even looking and sounding so much better than I had in recent months. However, they all wanted to set me up with someone… a friend or a cousin or whoever. I definitely didn’t want any part of that, not yet anyway. I didn’t think I could begin looking to date anyone seriously until I had finished my ‘adventure’ with the Society. That’s how I started looking at this upcoming auction… the conclusion of my BDSM experience that began so long ago, that first night that I watched Fifty Shades and it made me begin thinking. I also thought how many other women watched Fifty Shades and took on the adventure like I did? I wonder if they had success with it? I guess that’s something I’ll never know, but I knew I couldn’t be the only one.

As the day of the auction drew closer, I was still determined to go through with it, but my hopes of everything happening like I wanted it to dwindled. What was the chance that whoever won me would do things right, just the way that I wanted them? I knew I would be more assertive, telling them what I wanted, but my own doubts crept in as to whether I could really go through with it if they took a strong stance too and wanted something completely different, or if they outright refused.

Anyway, the night finally came and as usual for an auction, it was on a Friday night. I took off of work both the Thursday and Friday, just to make sure everything would be just right. I relaxed most of the day Thursday, getting myself in the mindset for what would happen Friday night. On Friday, I went to the nail salon and spa to pamper myself properly, so that I looked and felt my best. I even paid to have someone professionally do my makeup and hair. I knew that if I was gonna give this one more shot, I wanted to go all out and look my absolute best.

That night, I dressed in the ‘membership’ dress that Aaron had sent to me, the deep red one that I wore the first night I was there with Aaron, the night that went so well and so perfectly. As hard as it was, I put that out of my mind, knowing that it was really just something to wear until I arrived, and I would have to change into something else that they had picked out for me.

Right on time, the black SUV limousine arrived and the driver knocked on the door. He was an older fellow, introducing himself as Ned as he escorted me to the car. As he drove to the Society manor, he actually kept the dividing window down and we chatted the whole way there. He was so nice and sweet that it helped calm my nerves. We didn’t talk about the Society, of course, as if I remembered right, the drivers didn’t know anything about it. Instead, we just talked about life, current events, the weather, and even quite a bit about him and his family, how he did this on occasion for extra money for the holidays. He did hint that they paid him really well to bring ‘gorgeous ladies like me’ to these fancy dinners. I thanked him and we continued to talk as the time flew by. Before I knew it, we had arrived.

Ned came and opened my door and escorted me to the main door, leaving me and returning to the car while I went inside. I dropped my clutch and phone with Marcus at the front sitting area before venturing upstairs. I knew where I was going by now, having been here several times, so I didn’t need an escort.

I went to the second floor and went to the Gathering Room. Everything was already laid out for the auction, and there were even a few people there who I assumed would be bidders. I didn’t recognize anyone so I didn’t stop to greet them, wondering if I should have, or if there was some protocol that I should have have followed. No matter, no one had said anything, so they couldn’t hold it against me.

As I went to the changing room, I was surprised to see Miss M there. She greeted me with a quick hug, complementing me on how lovely I looked, and telling me she was gonna be the auctioneer that night. She told me that this is common when someone wins an auction that they would be auctioneer for the next one, so they wouldn’t be able to bid on two in a row. She did add that it had never happened before that someone who was auctioned in one month was available for the next month, but she knew my circumstances and completely understood.

She then pointed to a rack that had several hanging bags on it, telling me that these were the outfits that were picked out for me to wear for the auction. Unlike the first auction, in this one, I had a choice of three different things to wear, so I walked over and unzipped the bags, looking at all of them, eyeing them to decide which I should wear.

Each item was vastly different from the other. The first was gorgeous and wild, a revealing dress that was more like a long, single strap that wound around and around the body, strategically covering the more private regions while leaving the areas very close to the private areas open and exposed. I wondered about trying it on, just to see how it looked, but realized it would take quite a while to get it to fit just right and get it adjusted properly, so I decided to wait until I had seen the others.

The second outfit was a lingerie ensemble composed of a red and black velvet corset and matching bra, panties, stockings, heels, and the like. It was similar to the one I wore at the first auction in what it revealed, even though it was a different style. I quickly breezed by that one to look into the third hanging bag.

At first, when I opened this one, I had to look around and see if something was missing, as all I saw were a series of black leather belts looped about the hanger. After staring at it for a few seconds, and seeing nothing else in the bad, did I realize that this was the outfit itself! As I pulled it out to get a closer look, I saw that the leather straps were looped back around each other, riveted in place where they overlapped, to form a kind of harness that would cover only very little of my body. I was naturally drawn to it, and I absolutely had to see what it looked like on me.

Miss M had stayed to assist, and it took her to help me get into the harness properly, as it was a bit hard to understand since all of the straps were about one inch in width. Once I realized that there was a collar and buckle to go around my neck, though, I saw how the rest of it was supposed to fit, well, more or less anyway. Seeing it hanging there was one thing, but fitting into it and wearing it was quite a different story. That’s where Miss M’s assistance really helped.

Once I had the thing on, I had to take a look at myself in the mirror to get it adjusted properly. It had to look symmetrical, and often there was a strap dangling loose on one side and too tight on the other. It was a bit of an ordeal to get it all in place, but once it was on, I had to admit that it looked pretty incredible. As I mentioned, there was a collar that went around my neck, and from that collar, two straps descended down my chest, meeting up with other straps that encircled my body, or created an oblong opening at angles as it went lower. There’s no real way to write in words exactly how this looked without taking up way too much space and boring everyone with the description. However, as the harness was on now, the straps encircled my breasts at their base, but left them completely nude and open for all to see. Furthermore, the straps came down over my lower hips and between my legs, but left my mound completely open and bare, meeting up to form two straps that went up my backside, under each cheek, to meet another strap near my waist. The net effect of everything was to wrap me in black leather and metal buckles and rings, yet enhance and direct anyone looking at me to the bare areas of my chest and between my legs.

Miss M saw me looking and chimed in, “Elizabeth, that harness looks absolutely ravishing on you, dear.”

Blushing a bit, I told her, “thank you.”

She reached up and clasped a leash onto a small ring in the collar right below my neck. “There is one more optional part to it, depending on what you want to present to everyone,” she said, reaching in a side pouch of the bag for something that I missed. She pulled it out and I saw that it was a very small black leather bikini. “This is for you, if you are uncomfortable wearing just the harness in front of everyone.”