Chapter One:

Josie figured that a Friday night in June was the perfect time to wallow in self pity. After all, she was single … painfully single … “hasn’t had a date in four years” single. She was on every dating website imaginable only to end up with an inbox full of dick pics.

She went to local events like the music fest in city park last week where she sat on a wrought iron bench with her ankles crossed, gazing at the band performing a peppy jazz tune in the gazebo, trying to make it obvious that she was single and wanting for a companion. She’d even worn her brand spankin’ new sundress in a dreamy sky-blue with white magnolias, but no one bothered to glance her way.

Last night, although she detested alcohol, Josie even went to a bar and choked down a martini as she tried to look classy and available. A lot of good that did as she sat quietly at the bar for two hours, twisting her hair nonchalantly and batting her lashes at every guy who passed by. As soon as they saw her, they averted their eyes and moved on.

Now she was having a good look at herself in the bathroom mirror for the first time in awhile and, as at all times, she hated what she saw. It was her crooked teeth that were scaring guys away – her attempts at a charming smile must have made her look like a jack-o-lantern. Or maybe it was her straggly dirty blonde hair. She tucked a thin, wispy lock behind her ear and cringed as she turned her head in the mirror. Those ears! They were definitely oversized. She thought if she could get surgery to pin them back. While she was at it, she may as well get a nose job to shrink her massive schnoz. The bushy, untamed eyebrows, that dimple in her chin, her big man-hands, her dainty child-sized feet, and who was she kidding when she wore that new sundress anyway? Her boobs weren’t even big enough to fill the cups halfway. Was it any wonder that she was twenty-eight and living alone? She was hideous!

Brrrrring! Josie pulled her phone out of the pocket of her jeans.

“Hello?”

“Hey Josie it’s Amanda.”

“Oh, hey Amanda.”

“What are you doing tonight?”

“Not a whole lot,” Josie sighed, turning her back to the mirror and leaning against the bathroom sink. “Just thinking about how ugly I am,” she wondered to herself.

“Want to come down to Horton’s Bar? I’ve got a friend coming, a friend I really think you should meet!”

Josie wondered back on how these sorts of dates at all times went: Amanda trying to entice her to meet some guy at a bar, or restaurant, or party; her donning her best clothes and dolling up thinking she might actually have a chance this time; him acting completely uninterested as soon as he sees her. She even met one guy at Red Robin who excused himself to the bathroom and never came back. Amanda had been her friend for years and she had good intentions, but it never ended well.

“I’m officially off the market, Amanda.”

“Don’t throw in the towel yet, I’ve got a new thing that’s just come on the market. Cosmo said it’s supposed to help you reel in a mate by changing your appearance to suit his desires. I’m talking dewey skin, healthier hair, hell it might even give you bigger boobs!”

“Sounds like a scam,” Josie said, rolling her eyes.

“Please just come. You’re going to love this guy, I met him last week and he’s an architect. Can you believe it?!”

Josie sighed, resolving not to get her hopes up too high. “Fine, I’ll be there in an hour.”

Chapter Two:

It was 10pm when Josie arrived at Horton’s Bar in her new sundress and a pair of sky blue heels to match. It was as good as she could get herself to look. All of the primping and priming and plumping in the world couldn’t do enough to make her average on the appearance scale.

Patrons gathered around booths and tables, they chatted quietly at the bar as the bartender busily mixed up a drink. Josie’s heels clipped against the hardwood floor as she made her way toward the back of the room where Amanda said she and this new guy would be.

As she went, Josie couldn’t help but notice the sideways glances from the other patrons there. Look at that hideous woman! I didn’t know it was efficient to have a nose that big. I bet she used to be a man. She could only imagine what they were thinking.

“Hey Josie!” A voice called from the far corner of the room. It was Amanda in a black skin-tight cocktail dress, frantically waving. Her generous bust jostled about, and Josie noticed she’d pulled back her long, blonde hair into a perfect updo.

The man who joined her had his back to Josie. All she could see was a dark grey pinstripe suitcoat, and a slick of black hair in a crew cut. And he was tall. Very tall with broad shoulders.

The thumping of her heart was rising into her ears and she swallowed hard. Could this really be the one? Would it turn into a first date? Her mind raced with anticipation but she tried to quell it with reality: no, he would bail like the rest of them as soon as he saw how gross she looked.

As she approached, she could see his large hand resting on the deep cherry wood of the table top with a silver banded rolex around his wrist and a cut glass tumbler of whiskey in front of him.

“I’m so glad you came!” Amanda beamed as Josie took a seat between her and this mystery guy.

For the first time, they looked at each other face-to-face and Josie nearly gasped in shock. His grey eyes pierced beneath his strong brow bone, and he had a chiseled jaw that was shadowed with stubble. The sex appeal was dripping off his kissable lips and wafting toward her in his musky cologne. He was perfect.

“Josie, this is Derrick,” Amanda introduced them then took a sip of her dirty martini.

“Hi there,” Josie said a bit shyly. Fear snuck up her chest and gripped her throat as Derrick looked her up and down. Nothing could have prepared her for meeting an absolute stud that night. Every other guy that Amanda tried to hook her up with was an average Joe. Where on earth did she discover such a gentleman?!

“Magnolias,” Derrick said at last with a smirk.

“I’m sorry?” Josie asked sweetly.

“The flowers on your dress. I had a magnolia tree in the backyard of my childhood home.”

“Well, getting personal already are we?” Amanda giggled and Josie had to admit this actually seemed promising. She smiled broadly, painfully aware of how crooked her teeth were, but she was watching Derrick’s face for a reaction. He only shrugged and turned toward Amanda.

“Just trying to be friendly,” he said. Then he leaned back casually, raised the tumbler to his lips, and took a long sip of whiskey.

Trying to be friendly? Josie’s heart sank as it all became clear. Derrick was way out of her league and he was only entertaining her interest for a moment before promptly allocating her to his well-populated friend zone. Josie glanced at Amanda who appeared alarmed for a second before quickly trying to recover the situation.

“It’s a start anyway,” she said. “We’re getting to know each other, right?”

Derrick gave a half heart chuckle as if she’d told a joke, then he sipped his whiskey again as Josie’s heart dropped so far it may as well have careened through the floor boards.

“Excuse me for a moment,” she said, choking back tears.

The dim lighting that surrounded her wasn’t enough to hide the sorrow on her face as she slipped away from the table and rushed to the ladies room. Past people happily conversing, jostling shoulders, telling friendly stories over beer and wings. Their laughter followed her into the bathroom stall where she locked herself up in loneliness, buried her face in her hands, and bawled.

Chapter Three:

Once Josie was able to compose herself she figured she should use her manners and at least dismiss herself from the business of Amanda and Derrick. The last thing she wanted to do was rudely disappear like that one guy had done to her. When she came back to the table Amanda and Derrick were still chatting over their martini and whiskey, but another drink was on the table now. A tall glass full of amber liquid over ice with a lemon slice garnish on the rim.

“I ordered you a long island iced tea,” Amanda said. Her eyebrows furrowed a bit, like she was consoling a lost puppy.

Josie didn’t want their sympathy, though. She was ugly and had no chance with a hottie like Derrick and they all knew it. She straightened up with resolve and brushed her hands on the skirt of her sundress.

“That’s really not necessary Amanda. I was just coming to tell you that I’m not feeling well and am going to head home now. I hope you both have a good night.”

“Oh, please, just one drink wouldn’t hurt! It might help to loosen things up a little, you know?” Amanda pleaded.

Josie turned to Derrick who leaned across the table and pushed the glass closer to her. “Drink up!” He said with a smile.

“I don’t drink -” she started.

“Yes, you do! Just try it,” Amanda urged.

Once again Josie found it difficult not to get her hopes up. The aching “what if’s” nagged at her. What if this really could work out? What if she could make him fall for her? What if he was the one? Breaking under the peer pressure and the hope of at last finding her mate, Josie sat down and took a sip. The alcohol was like acid on her tongue and she winced a bit with the strong flavor.

“I knew you would.” Amanda raised her glass and said with a delighted grin: “To beginnings!”

Derrick lifted his whiskey glass in agreement, Josie raised her Long Island, then all of them drank. And drank. And drank. Josie didn’t know what had gotten into her. A few sips in and she found herself whooping it up in a buzzing haze. Amanda cracked jokes until she and Derrick howled with laughter and then called for another round. The room was spinning lazily and Josie was wrapped up in warmth and relaxation that she’d never felt before. Self consciousness had leeched out of her and thoughts of her ugly appearance never crossed her mind while the liquid courage sloshed around in her brain. The magical elixir had wholly transformed her into a new more confident young woman who was talkative, and outgoing, and she had to admit – even a little bit confident.

Josie couldn’t tell if Derrick’s comment about her was changing as the night wore on. She was too busy being enamored by his every move. He combed his hand through his thick black hair and she wanted to melt into his beefy arms. He put his elbow over the back of his chair and she wanted to fawn at his feet.

It was close to midnight when Josie’s carefree attitude began to take a nosedive. The alcohol wasn’t settling very well in her stomach and the light, floaty feeling that enveloped her just moments before began to feel heavy and achy.

“I … I think I need … need to get home,” she slurred, trying to keep her eyes open. “It’s late.”

“Only midnight,” Derrick said, checking his Rolex. Of course he was holding his alcohol better than either of them. That whiskey had him laid-back and comfortable but he was still poised and collected like a true gentleman. Meanwhile Amanda was slipping into tipsy territory and Josie was hammered like a giddy girl at a bachelorette party. Alcohol really didn’t agree with her.

“I should … I should …” Josie began, but the wondered slipped through her fingers before she could finish what she was saying.

“Here,” Derrick chuckled as he pulled out his cell phone. “Let me call you ladies a cab.”

When the cab arrived,

Amanda stood up from her seat at the table and shimmied her cocktail dress down. “Thanks for the evening, Derrick,” she said.

“No problem. I had a great time,” he replied as he rose from his chair and stood to his full height of 6’5″. Josie followed suit, but as she stood she wobbled a bit on her high heeled shoes that felt uncomfortably tight and constricting.

“Damn heels.” She kicked them off and Derrick bent down to pick them up for her. They seemed absolutely miniature in his big hands.

“Let me help you out, Josie,” he said, offering her his muscular arm. She peered up at him longingly. It seemed impossible, but he was sexier than ever as he stood over her with a wayward lock of hair curling over his forehead.

“Thanks,” Josie said in a near whisper as she took his arm.

He helped the women navigate their way through the bar on clumsy feet until they at last opened the front doors and found themselves outside in a hazy mid-summer drizzle. The street and sidewalk was like a mirror in the night reflecting the orange glow of the street lights, and the cab’s headlights were like a beacon cutting through the rain.

Amanda squealed as she rushed to the cab, but Derrick took off his suit jacket and held it over Josie’s head. The two of them walked to the cab, standing so close to one another that they could feel the warmth of each other’s bodies. Josie held her breath the whole way. She still couldn’t believe that she – with her gigantic nose and crooked teeth and disproportionate body – was under the suit jacket of a dapper architect; feeling his body pressed up close to her, breathing in his cologne, walking through a dizzying swirl of exhilaration and arousal.

The seat of the cab sagged as Josie scooted in beside Amanda.

“I had a great time,” Derrick said, raising his voice above the sound of the rain drumming on the roof of the car. He handed Josie the high heels she’d abandoned. “Would you like to join me again tomorrow night? Alone, I mean?”

Josie’s heart leapt. A date? After four years she finally had a date! Not just any date … a date with Derrick.

“Mmhm,” she said softly and nodded, beaming all the while. “I’d … I’d really like that.”

“Meet me here tomorrow night,” he said in his smokey baritone.

As the cab drove away into the night, Amanda hugged Josie close. “Oh my God!” She cried excitedly. “I knew you guys would hit it off, I just knew it!”

“Is this really h-ha-happening?” Josie said sluggishly. “I cannot, I don’t … I just … wow!” She laid her drowsy head on her best friend’s shoulder and relaxed in her joy and contentment.

“Oh, honey!” Amanda giggled, sweeping a strand of hair off Josie’s forehead. “Maybe you should stay with me tonight.”

Chapter Four:

Josie woke up groggy in the early morning. It took a few seconds for her to look around the unfamiliar bedroom and recall that she was at Amanda’s house. Her friend must have gotten her set up in the comfy guest room bed for the night, but she barely even remembered getting out of the cab. Actually, most of the night before was a bit fuzzy and she began to wonder if maybe she’d made a fool of herself until the memories flooded back. Derrick had asked her out! A sense of relief overtook her; a satisfaction that things were finally turning around. The respite was fleeting. As soon as she got out of bed and took a step, she tripped over her own feet and stumbled headlong to the hardwood floor. Thankfully she was able to brace her fall, but her leg had taken a pretty hard hit.

“Ow!” She cried, propping herself up and turning around to rub the ache out of her knee. That’s when she noticed what had caused her to fall: her petite feet had nearly doubled in size overnight, reaching a heart-stopping 15 inches long! Josie rubbed her eyes, hoping that the image of the bloated feet would fade, that it was just a hallucination, that she was just hungover – but they didn’t go away. There in front of her were two of the biggest, ugliest feet Josie had ever seen. She wiggled her toes, hardly believing they were hers. It can’t be! But as she leaned forward and bent her leg to get a good feel, it all became real to her. Poking and rubbing at her soles revealed just how huge they were in comparison to her hands, which were pretty sizable themselves.

“What the hell?” She whispered to herself.

Just then, a scream rang out from across the house twisting Josie’s stomach even more. “Amanda!” She laid her feet flat against the floor and stood up. It was even more depressing to look down and see them jutting out at this angle.

Another series of yelps cried out. “I’m coming!” Josie shouted as she traipsed across the house, following her friend’s frantic screeches. Every step she took with her big feet ended with an emphatic thump against the floor that made her wince with unease. The screams led her to the master bedroom. Her extra-large toes sank into the plushy carpet as she cautiously padded in.

“Amanda?!” She called, turning the corner toward the open door of the master bathroom. “What’s going -? Eep!” Josie covered her mouth to stifle a shriek. Amanda was staring at herself in the bathroom mirror, shoulders tense and heaving with panic. There was no way Josie could miss what had thrown her friend into a screaming fit.

Her ears were huge. Each one had to be at least a few inches around. Flustered and red-faced and sobbing hysterically, Amanda tried in vain to cover them with her hair. It wasn’t enough to conceal them.

“They’ve grown so big, Josie!” she cried. “So big.”

Josie dropped her hand off her mouth, still gawking wide-eyed at her friend’s ears.

“What’s happened to us?” She whispered.

“Us?” Amanda turned around and scanned Josie from head to toe. When she saw her gigantic clodhoppers sprawled out on the bathroom floor she stepped back against the sink and gasped. “Oh, my god you’re humongous!”

“I’m already ugly, now I’m an ugly bigfoot,” Josie groaned.

“And I look like a damn chimp!” Amanda wailed. As if on cue, her ears trembled and popped out like they were spring loaded. They protruded out from her head, poking through her long blonde hair. If Josie didn’t know any better, she’d say that they were growing even more!

“Uh … Aman-Amanda?” Josie swallowed hard and pointed at her friend’s ears.

“What?!” Amanda said exasperatedly. Turning back to face the mirror, the two of them watched in horror as her already large ears began to swell up. “Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no please!” She screamed, trying desperately to pin them back, but it didn’t take long before they outgrew her hands leaving her with no way to hide them. “Please! This cannot be happening!”

They parted through her hair and stretched out on either side of her face, round and broad, quickly approaching the size of extra large dinner platters – the kind you might serve a Thanksgiving turkey on. Floppy ear lobes hung low and slumped on Amanda’s shoulders, at which point her poor inflated ears finally settled their growth.

Josie wanted badly to help her distraught friend, but what could she do? She herself had already been saddled with enormous feet and was helpless to do anything about that. The most she could muster was a mousey, half-hearted comment: “it’s okay, Amanda.”

The bathroom echoed with Amanda’s hyperventilation as she cautiously shifted her wide eyes to the left, and then to the right, peering in dismay at the monstrosities she had just grown on the sides of her face. With shaking hands she hesitatingly patted at her fatty earlobes that drooped down onto her shoulders, grieved by how small her fingers felt against the mass of soft and squishy flesh.

“They’re HUGE!” She lamented, then spun on her heels to face Josie, ears flapping about with the sudden movement. “Tell me this isn’t real, please, Josie I’ll do anything! I just don’t want to be a big-eared dumbo looking freak!”

Josie was frozen in a state of shock, trying to avoid looking at Amanda’s ears; each one bigger than her head, wobbling and flapping as she trembled in her panic-stricken frenzy.

“W-wha-what are we gonna do?” Josie stammered. “How did this even happen?”

Amanda’s face contorted in shame and more hot tears began spilling from her frightened eyes, down her reddened cheeks.

“It was me!” She howled. “It was that damn miracle pill that Cosmo recommended, remember? The date didn’t seem to be going great so I put a little in your drink, and I took one myself, and now … well, look at me!” She reached her hands up, blindly groping at her enormous ears as she sobbed mournfully.