After two years of therapy I still hated my father, lost patience with my mother, was embittered towards my older brother, and didn’t know what career I wanted to pursue. So I was skeptical about its efficacy, but since I was covered by insurance (through the job I wanted to leave but didn’t know where I’d go) I decided to stick it out. Maybe I’d have a break through.
Or maybe I was attracted to my therapist. She was only a few years older than me with straight dark brown hair, brown eyes, and lightly bronzed skin on a thin, but feminine create. She was cold but attentive. Sometimes she was brutally honest with me about my kvetching but it never read as mean. She was the ultimate professional. She’d wear black turtlenecks that hugged her frame perfectly over plaid skirts and black pantyhose. Her face was all the time adorned with wire frame glasses, dark lipstick, and an even, steady gaze.
Maybe I just came back to see her, hoping to win her approval, or inspire her to show a modicum of emotion towards me. But she never did: all the time the professional.
The only thing that felt remotely friendly about our rapport is that we called each other by first name.
*Ari, what’s on your mind today?*
She took a moment to stop herself from sighing at my joke, hiding the disappointment.
I saw her think about asking a follow up question, but she decided to hold the silence.
Finally, a real wondered came to mind.
*I’m thinking about sex.*
We never talked about sex. I never wondered to talk about sex with Rebecca but it just came out of my mouth. The truth was, I had been single for longer than I ever had, and missed human touch. I realized today that I hadn’t touched another human being in a week. And it was consuming every other wondered. I was starting to undress everyone I looked at: imagining what their tits looked like, the shapes underneath their underwear, imagine their smells, tastes, what their voices would sound like whispering “Ari” into my ear. I was walking around at half-mast most of the day. It was hard to keep under control.
Rebecca looked at me, surprised.
*What specifically are you thinking about, Ari?*
*I’m thinking about all of the sex I’m not having.*
*And how is that making you feel?*
*It’s making me feel frustrated, Rebecca. And horny. Always. It’s like I’m in middle college again.*
I don’t know why these vulgarities were exiting my mouth in the presence of Rebecca. My heart raced thinking that even though I was supposed to be able to talk to her about everything, that maybe I was crossing a line. But I needed to get this out. Still, I couldn’t help apologizing.
*Sorry, sorry. This is…a lot for you to hear.*
*Don’t be sorry. This is why I’m here. You can talk to me about anything.*
Phew. Professional, all the time.
*Ok. Ok, that’s good. It’s just we’ve never broached the subject before.*
She looked at me, waiting for me to continue.
*I know something has to change here. I need to discover someone. But I can feel the desperation wafting off me in waves.*
*What do you mean when you say “find someone.”*
*I don’t know. One night stand? Relationship? Anything?*
*What do you think a* someone *can give you?*
Rebecca was silent.
*Bad joke, sorry.*
Suddenly, Rebecca let out a little laugh, like she couldn’t believe what I’d said. Some of the tension in the room lifted.
*What I mean is, I want to make a meaningful connection with someone who also wants to touch–for our bodies to touch. I want to meet someone who feels a mutual curiosity about the other and maybe wants to fuck too.*
My brain was fighting: eloquence, smut, eloquence, smut.
*Ok, Ari. Have you wondered about how you are gonna pursue this goal?*
*Probably mope about it. Kidding. Kidding. I was planning on going out with friends more. I think I’m more likely to meet someone if I’m not watching Netflix. Right?*
*That sounds like a good idea to me.*
*I’m nervous though. I hate rejection. And I know what you’re gonna say; it’s an essential part of life. I know it is. I know I need practice in rejection, but it’s like my worst fear.*
*It sounds like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to develop the skill of dealing with rejection. It doesn’t need to happen quickly, you know.*
*I guess I’m just feeling a sense of urgency, you know? At any rate, I’m so petrified of rejection, I don’t think I’ll have an easy time meeting new people.*
*Ok, Ari. I think you need to practice.*
*Practice rejection? How?*
*Let me come up with some scenarios we can act out, and each time I’ll respond differently, sometimes rejecting. You can practice how you respond.*
*So like role play.*
She paused for a moment.
*Sure, like a role play.*
My heart began racing faster at the wondered of making a fool of myself in front of Rebecca. But I couldn’t back out of this.
*Ok, Ari. Let’s pretend we are meeting your friend Matt at a bar, and we’ve never met before. I’m his coworker and he’s brought me to hang out.*
*Mmm, ok. Sure.*
Rebecca stood up and walked towards me, hand outstretched.
*”Hi, I’m Rebecca.”*
*Oh are we using our real names?*
*Ari, come on. “Hi, I’m Rebecca.”*
I shook her hand.
*”Ari. Nice to meet you.”*
She waited for me to say something. The air was brimming with awkwardness and I averted my eyes before asking,
*”Uhhh, how do you know Matt?”*
*”I work with Matt. You?”*
*”I’ve known him since high school.”*
More silence. Less eye contact.
Rebecca broke the silence.
*”Ok, well I’m gonna grab a drink so…see you over there, I guess.”*
Roleplay was over. Failure. She was completely uninterested. Rebecca chimed in.
*How did you feel that went?*
*Badly. I hate small talk. It was so awkward.*
*I don’t like small talk either, but sometimes you have to go through a few simple motions just to let someone know you are a ordinary, well-adjusted human. Loosen it up a bit. Let’s try it again, a little more casual.*
*”Hi, I’m Rebecca. Are you Matt’s friend?”*
*”Yeah, I’m Ari. Nice to meet you Rebecca. Are you and Matt dating?”*
*”We are coworkers so no, not dating. That would be weird.”*
*”Right. Sorry I asked. What do you…”*
My mind went blank. All I had to do was ask her a fucking question about herself. Just anything to keep the conversation going.
*”What’s your drink of choice?”* I finally got out. *”I’ll buy the first round.”*
*”That’s nice, thanks. I like a gin and tonic.”*
*”Ok, coming right up.”*
Ok, not very smooth, but not going badly either.
*”So what do you do, Ari?”*
*”Right now I’m working as a paralegal. Was thinking about going to law school, but I think I actually* HATE *it, so. Maybe not.”*
*”Guess it’s a good thing you figured that out before you went to law school.”* Rebecca said with a slight smile.
*”Damn right about that. Are you in sales, same as Matt?”*
*”Sure am. He’s my biggest competition in the office. It’s fun. We keep each other sharp.”*
*”Matt was always super competitive. Sophomore year he challenged the biggest guy in our grade to arm-wrestling. I think he genuinely thought that with enough chutzpah he could win. He got absolutely demolished. It was amazing.”*
*”Ari, I am* sooo *glad you are here to regale me with embarrassing stories of high school Matt that I can share at the office.”* Rebecca said with a laugh.
*”That’s why I’m here!”*
This was going way smoother than I wondered it would go. Suddenly, Rebecca went over to a cabinet in her office, opened it, and pulled out two glasses and a bottle of scotch. I froze for a second, unsure if the role play was finished when she said,
*Pause right there. Can I pour you a real drink for the role play? It’s going a lot better than the first time. This will make it feel a little more real.*
*Yeah, sure.* She poured me a glass of scotch and handed it to me. *Thanks.*
*”So are you going to quit being a paralegal?”*
*”Not until I have another job.”*
*”Ok, well what do you want to do?”*
Rebecca moved over to the couch in her office and sat down, implying I should join her. As I answered, I sat down on the other end of the couch.
*”I think I want to do something with a little more human interface.”*
Rebecca laughed, *”Human interface? I’ve never heard anyone say that. Do you mean more face to face connection? Like…sales?”*
*”Yeah, that’s exactly what I mean.”*
Rebecca was looking at me with the same level of curiosity as all the time, but something was different. She was embodying the role. She felt warmer, more open, more casual. It made me excited and nervous. She actually seemed interested in me.
*”Well, Matt and I can definitely tell you more about the career if you’re interested, but no pressure.”*
*”I appreciate that. I’ll think about it.”*
*”So, you asked me if I was dating Matt. I’m not. My turn to ask. Do you have a girlfriend?”*
*”No, I’ve been sadly single for a few months now.”*
I could hear the words leave my mouth. I could hear the self-pity in my own voice. Here was a chance to say “to hell with that”. I tried again.
*”Let me rephrase that. I’m happily out of a relationship that needed to end. So there.”*
*”Look, I get it. It can be tough being single, but we can’t wallow about it or we’ll probably stay single. I just got out of a long-term relationship too.”*
*”Sorry to hear that.”* I said, and looked away a moment. I felt a swell in my chest and more words leave my mouth before I could stop them, *”Ok, I’m not actually sorry to hear that. You’re really beautiful and I’m glad you’re single. Selfishly.”*
Rebecca didn’t exactly know what to say. She just kept looking at me, a smile growing on her face. I’d never seen her *really* smile, but her cheeks were getting flushed and she brought a hand to her mouth.
*”Wow, Ari. Bold.”*
I smiled back at her, enjoying the moment. We both took a sip of our scotch. Feeling confident for the first time in a long time, I asked,
*”Is there anything you miss about your relationship?”*
*”Good question.”* She pondered a minute. *”Probably the comfort. It was all so easy. It was so easy it might have never ended if I hadn’t realized how fucking sad I was. But it was safe. There’s a comfort in safety. What about you?”*
*”I couldn’t have said it better myself. Also touch. If I’m not hugging my mom I’m not touching anyone. I never really thought about how important that was.”*
*”You’re right about that.”* Rebecca was looking harder at me. I averted my eyes for a moment before looking back at her and she was still looking at me, considering me.
*”Do you want to see some old pictures of Matt and me in high school?”*
*”Oh my god, yes.”* She said and she scooted over to me on the couch. I took my phone out to scroll back to some of our earliest memories and suddenly Rebecca was next to me, our legs lightly touching each other, her shoulder pressing into mine to get a better look at my screen. I pulled up a picture of Matt and me looking almost prepubescent wearing ill-fitting polo shirts running around a local park, making the ugliest faces we could. I loved that picture. It was horrendous. Rebecca laughed hard.
*”Holy shit, you have to send that to me. I’m literally going to print it out and frame it.”*
Here we might have role played me getting her number, but we both knew I already had her number, so we skipped it. I texted her the photo and opened the photos again, scrolling slowly to discover more with Matt. As I was scrolling, she reached out and tapped a photo, enlarging it.
*”Wait, let me see this one.”* A photo of me at the freshman semi-formal dance came up with my date and me. *”No way. Your date let you go with* that *haircut?”* she asked, looking at me with a wide smile, poking fun at me, flirting with me.
*”Honestly, you can blame my mom for that one.”* I said.
Rebecca laughed, her head so close to mine. As I slowly scrolled, her head got closer and closer to mine until it was almost leaning against mine. I could smell her scents: her shampoo, her perfume, her breath which was cut lightly by the scotch. It was intoxicating. I started getting hard, but didn’t dare move. I could feel my cock starting to stretch through my khakis and I prayed that Rebecca wouldn’t look down. She was pulling up more photos and while I think I was giving her the context to each, my mind was starting to go blank with all my focus drawn towards the issue growing just below. If I shifted to hide my hard on, it would be obvious.
*”Ari, I would have had such a crush on you in high school.”*
*”There is not a chance of that, I promise.”*
*”Are you kidding me? You were so cute!”*
I couldn’t tell if we were role playing anymore. She was leaning against me, her heat on me, her scent in my nose, her voice so close to my ear, playfully grabbing my arm as we looked through memories. I don’t know if she meant to or not, but Rebecca put her hand down on my thigh when I pulled up a picture of me on the high college soccer team my senior year, and we both froze as her hand came down squarely on my cock, hard as a rock.
We both froze, her hand still there, maybe in shock.
She looked at me, our faces inches aside.
*”Oh my god, Ari, I–“*
I will never know what she was gonna say because I kissed her. Hard. And she kissed me back, ravenously. Her hand stayed pressed on my cock over my pants and I grabbed her waist, feeling her soft black cashmere turtleneck for the first time. She took off her glasses and placed them behind me on an end table before returning her face to mine. I brought my hands up to her cheeks, feeling her skin and bones, running my fingers through her long dark hair.
Her lips were soft and plump, sucking on mine gently, sensuously. Our tongues danced lightly across each others and I ran mine along her gorgeous row of teeth, wanting to taste every inch of her. I pulled away to look at her for a moment, the cold look in her face gone and replaced with a lustful blush. In her ear I whispered, *”Rebecca, I want you so badly,”* before moaned lightly and started to pull my shirt off. I helped get it off quickly and reached around her to pull her sweater off too. I came off easily to reveal a black lacy B-cup bra hiding a pair of heaving breasts and hard nipples. I savored the sight of her lean body breathing heavily with desire as our bodies met again. We felt each others muscles and curves and bones tracing lines over each other between kisses.
I glanced down to see a small wet stain had appeared on my pants, my desire already coming out. Rebecca glanced down too and made her way to the button on my pants, undoing it and unzipping me, giving my cock a chance to breathe a little before she refocused on kissing me. I ran my hands around to her back and found the clasp of her bra. I played with it for a moment, waiting for any resistance before I unhooked it and slowly guided the straps off her shoulders. He bra fell and two perfect handfuls with small pert nipples were before me. I grabbed and felt their weight in my hands, soft but substantial, perfectly sexy. *”Fuck you’re so hot.”* I managed to get out before bringing my mouth down to her left breast, sucking lightly and playing my tongue in circles around her nipple. I could smell and taste her, becoming more intoxicated by the second. I wanted so badly to taste her.
I pushed Rebecca back onto the couch and she let out a cute little yell, her tits bouncing lightly when she hit the cushion. I knelt between her legs and she brought her hands to my pants, pulling them down to let our my already dripping cock. She reached out to grab the shaft, but I stopped her. Instead, I started pulling off her black pantyhose, unable to wait any longer before getting a richer taste of her. I rolled the down slowly, looking at the soft, smooth skin of her legs, slender but strong. I pulled her pantyhose all of way off her feet and looked at her small black underwear, barely covering her shaven mound. I bent down, moving my head slowly towards the sight and I could hear her breath getting faster.
I kissed my way up her inner thighs slowly before moving her panties to the side to reveal her glorious pussy, already a little wet. I grazed her labia with my tongue and lightly felt her velvet folds smelling her musk and desire, feeling her texture, sucking gently. Rebecca was grabbing my hair, pressing me hard into her. I stuck my tongue deep inside her before moving up to discover her clit. I moved my tongue up, down and in circles, finding a rhythm that Rebecca responded to. When her breathing got faster, she whispered, *”Yes, just like that. Keep going.”* and I kept pace, trying to keep it as even and consistent as feasible as she came closer and closer to orgasm. Her hips gyrated against my tongue, her body wanting more and more. *”Fuck, you’re going to make me cum.”* She said, holding a hand over her mouth, the other still grabbing onto my hair. She lost breath for a moment before an orgasm ripped through her, my tongue working to her her cumming as long as I could. She grinded against my tongue until she was feeling too sensitive.
*”Holy shit, Ari. Come here.”* I brought my head up to hers kissing her as she tasted her own love, my body pressing into her, my cock resting against her mound. She reached down as we kissed and grabbed onto my shaft, rubbing the tip along her soaking wet pussy until it was slick with cum and saliva before guiding it slowly in. My cock was thick and she slowly worked it into her tight pussy, gasping lightly each inch of the way until I was in, resting in her heat, trying not to blow my whole load right from the begin.
Rebecca was still so sensitive from her orgasm that I worked slowly, savoring every inch of her. I broke away from our kiss and knelt in between her legs, my cock, slowly moving in and out of her as I brought my right hand to her chest and my left around her thigh, grabbing on to steady myself and to feel more of her body pressed against mine. I pull out slowly and more forcefully thrust into her with a light smack, little moans leaving her lips each time. My whole length is soaked with her juice and I’m trying my hardest to hold on. In and out I go until I feel myself reaching the end. But I don’t want this to stop. I pulled out and gathered myself for a few seconds, but when I do, Rebecca turns over onto her hands and knees, her ass sticking up at me, lips wet and ready. *”Fuck me from behind, Ari.”*
I froze for a moment, knowing the challenge to keep this going has just gotten harder. But this I could not refuse. Once I’ve gathered myself, I lined myself up at her opening and slowly slide in, grabbing her hips, and thrusting a little harder and faster. I look around the room at this office from a different perspective. Everything looks new to me: the books, the chairs, the carpet, the color of the paint. And this distraction is good enough for me to fuck Rebecca harder and harder for longer and longer. My fingers dig into her hips like I can not get enough of her body. I can hear Rebecca moaning louder and louder but I stay in the zone. I’m trying to distract myself just enough to make her cum again before I explode, and the moment is drawing nearer.
*”Keep going, Ari. Keep going. You’re gonna make me cum again. Please don’t stop.”* She manages to get out. Hearing her voice in such a new, uninhibited way brings me dangerously close to losing control, but I manage to hang on just long enough to feel her pussy contract around me as her body is shattered by a bigger orgasm than the first. She’s screaming silently at first, but then lets her voice open up as she hits her peak.
*”Rebecca, I’m gonna cum.”* I say, as she’s coming down. Rebecca pulls herself off of my cock, turns around, and engulfs me in her mouth, just as the first of my orgasm begins spurting out, she sucks vigorously, milking a few jets into her mouth before coming up for air. Still cumming, I’m releasing more ropes onto her face and chest which is heaving after her orgasm. And I cant help but moan as it comes out, the strongest orgasm I can remember. But some of this guttural sound is the agony that this might never happen again. That this role play is over.
I come down and my mind clears. I see Rebecca kneeling in front of me, covered in my cum, still swallowing, breathing hard. I’m naked in front of her, my cock reluctantly becoming flaccid. We look at each other, not quite sure what to say. Were we still in the role play? Or are we about to deal with the consequences of what just happened?