[ad_1]
(Forgive my english, I am not native and sorry for the long post)
TLDR: After having for the second time of my life, I’m worried that sex is just not as great as people claim it to be and it depressed me. And I found out that I have ED by spending 120€.
Today is the second time I had sex and just like the first time I did not came.
I’ve been a kissless virgin for the first 23 years of my life. Never had a girlfriend (though looking back I realize that there were at least 3 girls in my life that were into me but at the time I had missed all the signs…), no relationships, no fwbs.
I was getting seriously sick of my situation so last year I decided to use the money I earned during my internship to go see an escort. Long story short, the sex was bad. I had so much hope, so much excitement about it. Between the positive stories that I read in r/sex and the fantasies I made in my mind due to porn, I really wondered that the experience would be amazing, especially because my first time would be with a “professional”.
During my first time I struggled to maintain an erection and didn’t finish. I was destroyed: 30 minutes, 200€ (that a lot for a school student ! for me at least) and an experience lesser than what I get by watching porn using my fleshlight.
At the time I put the blame on me being stressed by the fact that it was my first time, that I was too focused in trying to optimize my time by doing a maximum of things in a limited amount of time, too focused in trying to make sure that the escort didn’t have a too bad time with me and too anxious that someone who knows me would understand I used an escort.
Now having gone to another escort less than an hour ago, I think the issue come from my porn consumption. I have been masturbating to porn since I was twelve and there hasn’t been a single time where I’ve spent more than two consecutives weeks without masturbating to porn in my life since the first time I masturbated to porn. It also turns out that it’s very hard for me to masturbate and finish without the use of porn now. I don’t think I’m watching porn that is too hardcore. Most of the time I watch amateur porn. I do have some relatively “bdsm” kinks which are deepthroat and throatpie and I often watch amateur porn where the couple are pretty “intense” in their activity though. But most of the time I watch vanilla (no anal, no slaps, … just a nice couple chilling and enjoying each other)
I’m currently trying to change my consumption of porn by participating to NNN and then planning to only masturbate once every 2 weeks.
Before November, I was basically consuming porn almost every single night to go to sleep while using my fleshlight. I’ve been using a fleshlight for 2 years now in order to avoid death grip syndrome. However after one year of use I’ve been using elastic rubbers to tightening it up.
Anyway, back to today. Since the beginning of NNN, I’ve been lurking here whenever I’ve got urges (I know, stupid idea) as a replacement to porn. I’ve also reinstalled tinder to just swipe on it whenever I have urges as well.
Today, after taking a good nap, the urges got too strong so I acted impulsively: I browse the internet and contacted an escort, just to get some excitement, hoping that it would calm down my urges just like with r/sex and swiping on tinder.
Turns out the escort was cheaper than the first one (same services and I could cum twice, for less money) and this month I have a little bit more money than usual so I set up a meeting for this night.
Now that I had already some experience with escort, I was far less anxious about it and since I hadn’t masturbated in 3 days, nor watch porn, I was quite confident that it would turn out better.
It did not.
Despite trying to focus more on my pleasure, being more relaxed and doing more things than the first time, the sex was still bad. I struggled to get hard (mainly managing to get hard when the escort was doing a handjob or a blowjob) and struggled to keep it hard the entire time. As soon as I pulled out to to change position, I quickly got soft. I tried to increase physical contacts, kisses with the tongue (also first kiss of my life by the way !) and going down on her, but it didn’t work.
I’m so used to use chill on my bed or my chair and using my fleshlight while watching porn that I discover having sex a little bit “tedious”. Worst, when she was on her knees, sucking me, while it was nice, I felt bored. Even when we went doggystyle and I was “pounding” her and she was moaning a little bit, I still felt bored and that it was tedious.
I wondered I would feel the excitement and intensity that I see in many of the amateur porn I watch, at least a little bit but nope.
So now here I am, still in NNN despite having had sex, and wondering if I should just give up on sex.
Since the beginning of this semester (this september), I’ve decided to improve my social and seduction skills in order to increase my chances to get a girlfriend or a fwb. I’m increasing my self-confidence by working out, improving my grades, and being consistent on my passion projects. I’ve read “Fundamentals of Females Dynamics” by Michael Knight (great book btw) and have been trying to implement the advices of the book to learn how to seduce, I have been gonna salsa classes to meet more women (because mechanical engineering is not a field where you meet a lot of girls unfortunately…), and I have been going out more often to bars and parties despite the fact that I hate it.
But now I wonder what is the point of doing so much effort if even if I get a girlfriend or a fwb, the sex just ends up not being that great and I get more satisfied by masturbating to porn by myself. And after more than a decade of porn consumption, it is just not as effective to satisfy me anymore.
I feel hollow right now. Like I have been fed lies about how great sex can be.
I’m sure this response is more emotional than logical and after sleeping I will feel dumb for writing this because obviously sex has to be better with greater intimacy with a girlfriend or a fwb than an escort. Right ?
Still, I wanted to vent out my doubts, disappointement and frustration for once instead of keeping it to myself so there it is. A ruined day and an immesurable disappointement.
NSFW: yes
[ad_2]
I’m wondering if you might be demisexual, or somewhere in the ace spectrum. Like, maybe you need to feel an emotional connection to enjoy sex with another person. Or a bit more of a ‘warm up’ (like, flirting and stuff like that) beforehand.
And I’d definitely recommend you remove the extra pressure from the rubber band on the fleshlight (or perhaps try just using your hands) for a while.
And don’t overthink it too much. Having bad sex twice doesn’t mean all your sex will be bad, you just need a different situation.