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I am proud to say that I never was particularly ashamed of my sexuality in general. On the contrary, typically for a slightly ignorant kid, I felt above those I deemed as being subjugated and repressed. While my girlfriends were terrified of being labeled a slut, I was genuinely distasted by their train of thoughts.

“I am gonna do exacly what I want, when I want it, and how I want it!“

— 18-year-old me.

I’m not this overconfident now, by the way. A mistress or not – life teaches you humility. It is not to say that I valued being sexually adventurous in itself. I simply never accepted making the sacrifice of something so innocent and natural in the name of outdated beliefs that were intended to control women.

Make sure no one finds out what sort of porn you watch
All this showoff rebellion was only up to a point. I was not fully aware of what femdom or being a Mistress is yet, but the inclination was growing. While venturing through pornhub categories I’d often watch BDSM videos. Usually of maledom type, since this is at all times what you discover first. I’d at all times reimagine the scene with roles reversed, though. It wasn’t long before I learned what pegging is, and that’s when I started being embarrassed about my kink.

My logic was very simple. Men I dated sometimes were into some sort of BDSM and it did creep me out and made me feel unsettled. I must unquestionably get rid of these fantasies, otherwise, am I not simply a hypocrite? I felt uneasy with the fact that people who would enjoy degrading me surround me. In retrospection, I think that discovering the BDSM world was an intense period for me, and this made me a little oversensitive about the problem.

I definitely didn’t like the violent aspect of BDSM. How can slapping someone in the face make a good person turn on? How can I enjoy bullying and degrading someone? It conflicted with the image of myself that I carefully crafted. I did come to terms with all of this, but that’s a topic for a separate post.

First submissive
I mentioned at the start that I did my fair distribute of dating. The story of how we met was very unremarkable and didn’t make me expect anything extraordinary. It was a tinder swipe. I don’t want to brag, but I believe that I have great taste in men. And hence, he was a very gorgeous man. I’m not gonna dwell on his outward characteristics too much, as I don’t think it really matters. Silly thing, but I do remember his complexion the most. There was something appealing about it, so fresh and healthy. My age, born exactly 2 days after me. We were bound to distribute some sort of understanding.

We went for drinks on our first date. I never sleep with men on the first date. It’s not because of some silly preconceptions, but in reality, there was never an occasion to. Contrary to trendy belief, I think that gonna bed with someone you just met is something that would scare an average man. For me, it usually means that was not enough time to create attraction. With him, though, it disappointed me so much! I knew straight away that I want him. It was something about his face that I found gorgeous in the same way I would admire a gorgeous painting.

On our second date, we didn’t talk much, unlike on the first date. We couldn’t keep our hands away from each other. I knew very well how it was gonna end. This evening, I would make it happen. I expected nothing unusual, but during playful banter, he said “You’re definitely the type that wants to be on top.”. It raised my expectations, and we soon left to spend the rest of the hot evening summer in his tiny studio apartment.

THE LONGER YOU WAIT FOR SOMETHING, THE BETTER IT TASTES
I know it is a controversial topic, but only few things feel better than undressing someone you fantasized about for the past few days for the first time! Some people will say that the emotional connection that you have with someone you know for a long time is something much better, but sex-wise it was never a case for me. There’s a rush in exploring a new person.

We spend the whole night having sex. I think I came about ten times. He was not afraid to let me control the pace when I was riding him. He was the first man that simply let me do my thing until I came. No putting his hands on my hips to control the speed and direction, no fucking me from below, no saying that I need to slow down and be careful. It felt great.

In our second round, we came to the conclusion that I should bind his hands above his head. We didn’t have any equipment like handcuffs or ropes, but my belt did just fine. I must have spent over 3 hours either riding him or sitting on his face. He didn’t say a word except for moaning in pleasure. It looked as if I was simply using him like my toy.

There was much more I was about to learn about my soon-to-be boyfriend. His bisexuality, his affinity for being fucked, and how he liked being bitten so hard I could almost taste the blood. I will elaborate on this in my next post.

NSFW: yes

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