“He loves me, he loves me not….” I mumbled as I plucked the petals from my palm and let them fall to the ground. “He loves me…. he loves me not.” I sighed as I once again got another he loves me not. I always thought this little game was just for girls when they’re crushing on the hot football players, but I guess this proves that bi dudes that are hopelessly in love with their straight best friend can do it too.

Yes, I’m a guy in love with my best friend. I don’t remember exactly I realized it, maybe it was when he told me he supported me when I came out as bisexual, or maybe it was when we got drunk at Tessa’s party and talked about what our plans were after graduating while we looked at the stars. Either way, when he announced four months ago that him and Mandy were officially dating, I felt this pang in my chest- a painful reminder that no matter what, I could never have him.

I glanced up at him and Mandy making out on the bleachers nearby. He was supposed to be in math class, but ever since they’ve started dating, he’s been ditching math with me to make out with her wherever. I’m surprised he even said hi to me when he noticed I was cutting class too since he was so focused on her.

I tore my eyes away from their PDA and stared down at the yellow flowers littering the ground around me. Fitting that they’d be roses since my name is Ross, one letter off from rose. Not only that, the yellow color fits as well since they’re often given to the loved ones of the deceased as a token of sympathy. Yes, that means I’ll be dying soon, but no one knows except me.

No I’m not killing myself, but I’m sick. I kept my feelings to myself, and I completely ruined everything. I’m going to die and he’ll have to suffer the pain of losing his best friend of almost a decade.

A lump rose in my throat, and I struggled not to retch, but it was too late- I coughed as a disgusting mixture of bile, yellow rose petals, sharp flower stems, and blood was ejected from my mouth. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Mandy and my best friend jump up from their spots and rush to get over to me, but it was too late- I slumped over, my head hit the ground hard (but thankfully I didn’t land face-first into my vomit). My best friend’s voice shouted for me, begging me to get up, but the sound along with my vision faded away quickly.

People say that love hurts, but no one tells you that it can kill you as well.