A duet of bouncy, cheerful flutes is introducing a song Derek has heard over a thousand times. There’s always a song in the background. Big Sister is teaching her viewers how to make scrambled eggs.

“You’re gonna stir the eggs with a fork, not too much, because then they’ll get tough. Then pour them in to your hot pan, and here’s the key, keep the eggs moving. That way they stay fluffy.”

Mother chimes in: “Not many people know this, you shouldn’t store your eggs in the little container in your refrigerator door! The temperature is warmer there and your eggs won’t last as long.”

It’s not accurate to say Mother loves the sound of her own voice; she prefers the text-to-speech feature, even though the effect is a relentless, robotic optimism. She does love dispensing wisdom, though. In the old days, she’d have to film herself. Now, there are cameras everywhere.

Father uses his own voice. “If you’re storing your eggs in the door, STOP! Keep them inside and they’re fresher longer.” His input is late as usual, but it doesn’t matter. These insights will be shared again and again.

“Life hack,” Big Sister agrees.

Little Brother prances into the room. “Vibe Check!” he says, which is a bit throwbacky, but in vogue this weekend. The tune changes to the first 10 seconds of a country song. Brother has been practicing his dance, but it’s a hobby compared to his new side hustle.

Derek has had enough. He takes a banana, smiles, and sneaks out of the house. He’s hoping today is not the day his friend Jason also goes crazy.

Jason’s in the side passage between their buildings.

“I can’t take this anymore,” Derek says.

Jason shrugs. “Too bad. It’ll never change back. Too many people like it this way. Or they’re invested.” He looks Derek in the eye. “I’ve heard there’s a way out, though.”

“How?”

“My cousin saw it happen. There are three symbols. You use them, and it’s your ticket out.” He paused, pensive. “Are you in?”

“Hell yes, I’m in. How do you do it?”

Jason leads them back into the street, to a concrete wall. “You just draw them, and wait.”

Derek doesn’t know what the symbols mean, but they seem appropriate. Like they’d make sense to the right people.

“Usually, they’ll try to re-educate you,” Jason says. “But if you know the Old Lore, they just cancel you.”

The “Oh No” song starts, and the rest doesn’t take long. Two men pull black hoods over their heads, separate from the crowd, brandish pistols and fire.

Using the system against itself, Derek marvels in his last few moments. Now that’s a life hack.

(There’s no such thing as the three symbols. This is a cautionary tale, to warn those of you thinking about starting trouble. Next, I’m gonna show you how to make a Barbie kayak — out of a stale baguette. Be sure to follow for more useful tips!)