I know there are probably some first time parents out there so I decided to offer some useful tips that may help you. I

• If your baby won't stop crying then you can use some needle and thread to sew their mouth shut. It is a great way to ensure that you get a good nights sleep.

• If your baby has a temperature then put it in the freezer for a short time to help reduce it. If you leave the baby in there too long then just use the microwave to defrost them.

• Use a pliers to remove their baby teeth early as this will help make their adult teeth appear faster.

• If your body is not producing enough breast milk then you can get your child to suckle at your pregnant dogs nipples. This will also help with the bonding between your child and their pet.

• You should probably use a knife to give your child a disfiguring scar as this may stop people from kidnapping your child. They will probably target children who aren't as hideous.

• Don't worry if you accidentally kill your child as you can always make another one. Babies die everyday so just dump the body in the garbage and move on with your life.

I hope these tips help and if you have any other suggestions then feel free to add them in the comments.