James was outside smoking a cigarette, wondering what anniversary gift to get his wife, when he noticed two small red bumps on the fleshy bit between his thumb and forefinger. Intrigued, he thought about what may have caused it, and immediately remembered the large spiders he’d been encountering all month with increasing frequency.

“The giant house spider is more active in the summer as the males search for females to mate with,” he’d read online… “And the females will often eat the males after sex”. Creepy stuff. Kind of funny though. He knew the potential for a sexist joke was in that information somewhere, but he wasn’t the man to make it.

More likely the marks was his lifelong eczema playing up again; it wouldn’t be uncommon for this time of year.

He finished his cigarette and walked indoors.

Later that afternoon, while watching TV, he looked down to realise his legs were about fifty percent hairier than usual. “Wow, what a miracle!” He thought to himself. “And about time, too!” And to think he worried so long that he may be short on testosterone!

But his excitement was short-lived, as hairy legs turned into hernias, which turned into extra legs, which turned into extra eyes, and soon enough he (it) was crawling to the bathroom on all eights, finding what it desired in the tub, which it hastily slurped up a sewage tube between its mandibles.

By the time his wife got back to the house, James had organised the most wonderful anniversary surprise for them both… Cocooned in several thousand kilometres of compact silk, was half their neighbourhood.