My dad has only ever slapped me once. Just once.

"For the last time. Man up. And stop fucking crying." And I remember cicadas screaming into my ears under a warm sun which almost made my ears explode. I never cried since.

—

My dad is the hunting guy of the family. He locks a collection of guns in a bedroom cabinet. I know where the key is anyway. He got all kinds of guns, not just hunting guns. Like Glocks. Pistols.

—

I had a pet turtle, and I change its fish tank’s water every other day. Its name was Goliath.

When I change the water, I play with Goliath with my hands a lot while watching the sparrows opposite my window, perching on an apple tree. I like flipping its shell, gently tossing it, making sure I can catch it in the air. I flick its tail and feet with my fingers sometimes. Then Goliath's feet and head retreat like a robot that doesn't even need a battery to work.

I go on Instagram on my iPad sometimes and fidget toys were all the rage. Goliath is my fidget.

—

I say Goliath "was" its name because it died. One time I was looking out my window, repeatedly tapping its shell against the table with my palm.

I heard mom opening the door and a few seconds later I felt a liquid mess. The color of that was as red as the sunset that day.

"David! What are you doing!"

She screamed so loud she scared the sparrows away. I never ever heard a sound like that before. But the apples were definitely ripe.

—

I remember mom telling me that when I was a kid, I grab anything that I can get my hands on. When I was around 2 years old I used to swing a table knife during dinner. One time it flew in front of my dad, and my mom recounted that, quote, "it scared the piss out of him".

—

Remember when I said my dad was the hunting guy? My fondest memory of him is his unbreakable patience like a statue hiding in a bush, aiming his shotgun at a deer, when we were hunting in the woods.

"This is called being a man."

That night, dad, mom, and I had some of the best wild game for dinner.

I told dad that I want to be a hunter. I want to be a man like him.

—

Mom always says, "everything starts small", and today, dad's gun cabinet is unlocked.

I want to start with smaller game: the sparrows. And I loved the feeling of being patient, waiting until the right moment to strike. It's like pump, pump, pump, counting every second that passes.

Not one sparrow died, and they all flew away from the tree, leaving my neighbors' broken window, shattered like veins. I saw a splatter of red on that window, it was as red as the sunset when Goliath died. And I did not cry a single bit.