Fresh blood covered my bathroom floor. My arms had become a canvas in my blacked out state. Fresh cuts ran deep into the dermis layer of skin, still bleeding profusely. White had turned red as the blood started to flow, filling up the gap as if it were a paint by numbers. The box cutter that had done the damage on the floor, shimmering in the warm overhead lighting. I had done it again.

Every night for the past week I had been blacking out. Periods where it was obvious I was still awake, or at least my body was, as I would wake up in a different place than I had started. But each time ended the same, me covered in cuts, surrounded in my own blood. Clearly done by my own hand. Worse, without a clue as to what had happened or why. I wasn’t a stranger to self harming. I had done so briefly as a child due to bullying. Being told you were a fat freak wasn’t necessary the best for one’s psyche. But I had gotten help back then, and I stopped, nor had I felt the urge to since.

Now I was covered with them. They had travelled up my body. Starting around my ankles the first night. Tiny little cuts that barely scratched the surface. Then the next day on my calves, deeper than the night prior, covering both legs in equal amounts. It wasn’t until the third night had they gotten deep, ramming through the skin into the dermis layer of my thighs. Those were the first ones to hurt like hell. I could barely move all day. Yesterday it was my stomach, and… my breasts. Not only was I in pain, but I felt hideous. Now with the ones on my arms I am not even sure I could leave the house if I wanted to.

I’m thankful I have my boyfriend living with me. He has been keeping an eye on me since it began. Unfortunately, he said he was unable to stop me when I blacked out. Saying, in my bizarre state, I would not recognise him and would lock myself away. But he has been supporting me this entire week, making all my meals and taking time off work to be with me. He even started making me a special night time tea. He said it was to hopefully stop whatever was causing the blackouts. He’s sweet like that. So loving and doting. Always making sure everyone knew I was his. It is so, so romantic. I have never had a guy treat me like such a princess.

Hopefully tonight I wont black out, I hate to think what area might be cut next.