To whom it may concern:
As you may have seen on multiple news outlets, a severe increase in violent poltergeist activity has been reported across the world. So we are best placed to calculate your chances of such a visitation please answer the following YES/NO questions.
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Are you female?
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Are you between the ages of ten and thirty-five?
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Do you sometimes hear noises at night?
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Have you experienced any lights flickering recently?
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Do you consider yourself clumsy?
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Have you had dreams that involved a 'something' beckoning you to a location in one of your rooms – such as a cupboard?
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If you do not own a cat, do you sometimes hear a noise like a cat walking across the floor? If you do own a cat do you hear the sound of their footsteps even when the animal is stationary or asleep?
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If faced with an unfamiliar or unexplainable situation do you feel yourself drawn to a supernatural explanation instead of a mundane one?
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Do you suffer from any mental health issues?
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Are you on medication for any chronic illness or anxiety related condition?
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Do you sometimes get confused about what subreddit or group you are in when reading a post?
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Do you believe in ghosts?
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Are you unable to decipher the following sentence?
MRUYDPHGGEPUDPMBWSZCVHRGH
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Do you like reality TV shows?
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Are you overweight?
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Do you eat a sensible amount of fruit and vegetables?
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Do you like musicals?
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Do you like going outside?
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Do you prefer Johnny Depp's portrayal of Willy Wonka over Gene Wilder's?
If you answered YES to at least EIGHT of the questions I am afraid to say that it is very likely you will be recommended for a future poltergeist visit.
To help our survey could you kindly post your score? This will help our allocation department immeasurably.
We would also like to thank you for taking part in this survey. It has made it so much easier for us to track you down.
Something will be in touch.
submitted by /u/Scarabium
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